


Fuck You

by psychethelliec



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Friendship, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 11:39:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 35,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10718643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychethelliec/pseuds/psychethelliec
Summary: Chinen met the most arrogant, yet funniest senior teammate in the soccer team, Yamada. There starts their up and down friendship that might develop into something more exciting.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I am just new here AO3 and I transferred from LiveJournal! And as you all can see, I pretty suck at writing summaries because I used to not do that :P Nice meeting you all! <3

“Training’s over. Cool down now,” announced the coach of the soccer team Tanaka then he went off, the players bowing their heads.   
“Starting next week, training will be a real hell until the competition,” Keito, the team’s goalie, said. “You good, Chinen-kun?”  
Chinen nodded as he wiped his sweaty face using the back of his hands. “I’m keeping up.”  
“You’ve just been with us for two months and coach already put you in the line-up for the tournament. It must be because you’re talented. Our best midfielder, who is not really far from how little you are, was already in the line-up despite being a newbie when he was in first year. The similarity between you two aside from being small is your passion to play and learn soccer. And also because you both are really talented.”  
He tried to laugh as he did not know if he would take what he said about his height as a compliment. “But I am still way behind you guys. I actually never thought I’d take soccer so seriously since this is only for my pastime.”  
He patted his head, “We’re a team, so we function as one. Let’s do our best in the upcoming tournament, okay?”

When the team finally cooled down, Chinen immediately left— bidding goodbye as he ran—and met his best friend at the school gate.   
“Yutti!” he called, running towards him.  
“Yo, Chii.” Yuto greeted back as he ruffled Chinen’s hair. “So, how did your training go?”  
Chinen sighed his exhaustion, “Tiring as always but fun. Next week is the start of hardcore trainings until the tournament.”  
Yuto nodded, “Ganbatte ne!”   
And silence occurred for a while.  
“Yutti... you think I’ll be able to play well? I mean I’m just new in the team. I might drag the team down.”  
“If you think like that, you really will, Chii. You’ve been training for months. I am sure you will not let all your hardships go to nothing and I am sure you’re gonna give your best because you have to remember you’re not alone in the team.”  
“But...” He chewed the corner of his lip.  
“Chinen Yuri,” he said in a deep voice that made Chinen to just pout. “Is someone bullying you in your team?”  
“No. They are good people. Big guys with big hearts, too.”  
“Then I don’t see any problem why you’re being like that. Believe in yourself, brat!”  
Chinen nodded his head and tried to grin at his best friend. “Anyways, I bumped into Ryutaro-kun earlier and we talked a bit to catch up.”  
“Speaking of that crush of yours,” Yuto wrapped an arm around Chinen’s neck, “I’ve been noticing that you’ve been talking with Ryu-chan a lot lately. I mean, what happened to the Chinen Yuri who doesn’t know what to do when he is around, who can’t even talk straight when he’s talking to you, and who can’t even face him at all? That if we aren’t just classmates in middle school, you are not really going to try talking to him?”  
Chinen smiled. “I don’t even understand it myself. I like Ryutaro-kun for a year now and the fact he is my first crush. That one year, I am exactly how you just described me a while ago. I can’t look at him. I can’t be close to him. I can’t talk to him. I exactly look like a retarded when he is around because whenever he is there, I just always forget how to act properly. Everything is just not normal.  
“All of a sudden, the time just came wherein I didn’t feel all those anymore. I am so normal when he is around. We’re like just you and him—friends since middle school. I...” he sighs, “I really don’t know why. I really don’t understand it at all.”  
“I guess you just get used to your feelings—you liking him...”  
“I guess so. And I really think this is better. You know I hate giving hints about my feelings although I am sure he already knows I like him all because of your big mouth and it’s because of you our other classmates found about it, but I am sure it’s nothing for him. He got a girlfriend now, right? So, my feelings wouldn’t bother him at all. I am just really ‘Yuto’s best friend for him.”

Chinen’s footsteps were heavy on the aisle as the week marked the start of their hardcore trainings.   
It was not that he was scared, but it was more on the matter of his self-esteem that was making him to hold back a little in their training. Ever since he was a kid, he never really trusted his self-esteem. He got awards and received achievements, got his parents so proud, even, but he still could not help not to trust his own capabilities. He was just thankful enough that Yuto was always there to cheer him up and he never really got tired reminding him of how good he was at the things he put passion on. He was too blessed to have a friend who supported his self-esteem when he himself could not even trust it and his capabilities.   
It was not also because his crush Ryutaro got a girlfriend. He was actually unaffected by it, not even a tad bit hurt. He actually never expected to be friends with him, let alone being close. They just got to talk because Yuto and Ryutaro were friends since middle school. He was just always the type who liked from afar.  
Being a little preoccupied, he failed to hear the voice calling out to him to move aside. He got some of his senses back when his butt already landed hard on the ground. Hissing, he mumbled, “Ittai...”  
“I’m really, really sorry. I’m just in a hurry. Will surely make it up to you if we meet again. Jaa!”  
He looked up and saw a guy, his senior just by looking at the colour coding on their school shoes, which was running backwards and giving him an apologetic look with his hands pressed together in front of his face. It was the first time he saw that guy in their school and he really was good-looking, as a matter of fact.   
He helped himself up and shrugged the possible dust off from his pants, and pulled the strap of his training bag back on his shoulder. “You don’t have to make it up to me, you idiot!”   
He looked down to his wristwatch and his eyes widened for he would be late if he would not start to hurry to his training. Being late meant additional ten rounds of jogging in their field and fifty push-ups. However, before he could even run, someone called him. “Chinen-kun!”  
He looked back and saw his one-year crush and he was unconsciously burying himself under the ground. How many times did he have to embarrass himself in front of Ryutaro? Not that he cared about how Ryutaro would see him, but it was more like he was already at his end. He had been an awkward person when his crush was around and when he wanted to stop, there he found himself in an embarrassing moment again and had his crush witness it. He wondered if there was still a face he could show to him when all he did in front of him was to embarrass his own self.  
“You okay?”   
“Yes, yes, I’m okay.” Chinen said while walking backwards because Ryutaro was walking toward him. He was not nervous. Yuto was right. He already got used to his feelings. He was finally normal. “I gotta go now, Ryutaro-kun! Will be late for training!”   
“Good luck, then! Better be careful, okay?”  
He nodded and then ran his ass. He grinned like an idiot. Of course, who would not? It was his crush showing his care for him despite the embarrassment he put himself into. Ryutaro, though he never looked at him the way he did, had never failed to show his care for him.   
‘You’re Yuto’s best friend after all,’ Ryutaro once said.  
Reaching their locker room, Chinen barged the door open to witness the naked back from one of his teammates that seemed unfamiliar. Lucky he was not yet late. “Sorry,” he apologized, and slowly and quietly went inside, his lungs burning and crying for air.  
The guy turned around and to his surprise it was the same idiot who bumped into him.   
“It’s you!” he exclaimed with his breathy voice for running so fast while he pointed his index finger at him. He paused for a while until he got his breathing back to normal. “What are you doing here?”  
“I’m Yamada Ryosuke, your senior and the best and the center midfielder. You are?”  
Chinen secretly flinched at Yamada for praising himself too much, but he could not deny he felt shy because of Yamada’s undeniably well-built body because his figure was nothing compared to his senior.   
“Chinen Yuri, first year, the left side midfielder.” He smiled then bowed a little. ‘He must be the small yet the best midfielder Okamoto-senpai told me last week,’ he thought.  
“I guess you’re new,” he said as he put on his training shirt.  
“Yeah. I just started two months ago.”  
“I see. Being a senior is tough and I really have to work extra hard for the entrance exams, so I wasn’t really able to show-up this handsome face of mine in the regular trainings. So, yeah...” He paused to smile at Chinen. “You must have the talent. Coach doesn’t usually put a newbie in the line-up. Well, I’m an exception to that, though.”  
Chinen forced to quirk up the corners of his mouth for a feigned smile. Yamada sure got a lot of confidence in him that it sounded a little bit annoying. “I guess I’m just lucky.”  
Yamada sniggered, jerking him on his arm. “Don’t be humble. I really believe I have the talent and I’m really good that’s why coach got me in the line-up despite being a newbie. He saw the potential in me. You should believe in yourself like that, too.”  
“Whatever...” he murmured silently. He was lucky enough that their coach called them already. He thought he would be suffocated to be in one room with Yamada longer. He would him things to brag about although no one was really asking him anything from his side. Must be because he was a senior and he had the power to be above among all the students.

During their thirty-round jogging, Chinen could not understand why he was still feeling so annoyed at Yamada’s overconfidence. It was not bad to be confident and to believe in your own capabilities, he knew that, but he felt like Yamada was more of bragging than being proud. Let alone that they were not even friends to begin with. Too much of anything is never really good. He already tried thinking of Ryutaro thinking that he would feel better, but it was still no use. He was just getting more annoyed as he thought of it.  
“You must be pretty annoyed.”  
Chinen was a bit surprised as he stopped jogging. He gasped, “Yaotome-senpai! You scared me!”  
“Warui. You were just frowning a while ago. It must be because Yama-chan bragged himself to you again, didn’t he?”  
He looked at him in amazement, but it changed fast into an annoyed face. “Is he always like that?”  
Hikaru nodded. “Always. In the years we’re in one team, he didn’t change that attitude at all, but once you get to know him better, you’d start to understand him.”   
When Chinen was about to answer, Yamada shouted, “No talking! Move, Hikaru, or else I’ll add ten more rounds to you.”  
Hikaru excused himself that he would go ahead to save himself.  
Chinen bowed his head a little as Hikaru left him before he looked back and secretly glared at Yamada for being too bossy and acting so superior. Annoying. The best suited word for Yamada.  
Not too long after, he felt someone poked his shoulder. He looked back and saw it was Yamada.   
He rolled his eyes at him. “What do you want?”  
“Nothing. Chinen-kun, right?”   
And Yamada kept poking him on his back over and over again. At first, Chinen did not mind it, but it was becoming annoying already. Honestly, Yamada’s mere presence for him was an annoyance. He was the one who forbade Hikaru not to talk and there he was talking to him and pestering him and thinking he had all the rights just because he was the team captain.   
“Fuck off, Yamada-senpai!” He told him off irritably, not minding if he was his senior, but he gave emphasis on his honorific.  
Yamada still kept poking him on his back as if he did not hear a thing and that just pissed him.  
Chinen stopped and faced his senior, glaring, “With all due respect, fuck you! Stay away from me!” He then sprinted away from him.  
However, Yamada was still able to catch up on him. “Ehhh... Despite the cute face, Chinen-kun has a sharp tongue? But you’re a fast runner, huh.”  
“It’s none of your business! And will you please stop pestering me?”

Chinen thought it was Yamada’s way of teasing him since he was just new in the team and based on what his other teammates told him, Yamada really tried annoying everyone and he was more annoying to those who were new. However, he thought the first day was already too much for Yamada not to pester him again the following days, but he was wrong about that because the following days, he was annoying him more than the last time. He would still pester him during their warm-up and sometimes he would tease him in all ways he knew in all time possible. Luckily, he was really patient to him although he really admitted Yamada was painfully annoying. Albeit there were also times Yamada was the comedienne in their team and he really sometimes laughed at some of his jokes, but he still had his habit of bragging about a lot of things even when not asked. He thought it was already innate. Last time, Yamada bragged about his new Smartphone and even said its price when no one even asked about it. Then, he was annoying him by telling him his disadvantages for being smaller than him in soccer and in daily life.  
“Yamada, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you! Stop pestering me, okay?!”  
“Fuck me?”  
Chinen blushed immediately in embarrassment. Some from their teammates laughed at it. “Really, fuck you. Fuck you forever!”  
“Forever? Then, I believe in forever now!”  
“Yamadaaa!” Chinen cried out in annoyance.  
“Yama-chan, you’re teasing Chinen-kun a lot more than the usual.”  
Yamada giggled, “Because Chinen-kun is so cute when being teased. His cheeks are getting red.”   
He then looked at Chinen to wink at him.  
Chinen glared and pouted at him, feeling the odd warmness on his cheeks. He wanted himself to be at his last straw, but he could not understand why his patience kept on extending just to adjust with Yamada’s annoying attitude. And addition to that, he admitted he felt his heart skipped a beat when Yamada winked at him although he knew it was just to tease him even more.  
Yamada indeed got the face all girls would cry over for. Excluding his attitude, of course.

The following days had been full of their fuck yous to each other.   
Chinen had already lost his respect to Yamada, so he did not call him his senpai anymore and Yamada did not mind it at all. No day passed without Yamada pestering and annoying him. Even during their training, Yamada was teasing him. During their water breaks. While they were all walking home. And even until the both of them would be separated since they parted at the intersection. Some of their teammates were already noticing how much they fought everyday just like a cat and a dog, and teasing them and all, but Chinen ignored it before. Yes, before. Because as few more days passed, already a week, he had been feeling a bit weird. He admitted he already got used to Yamada’s annoying behaviour, so he was rarely annoyed at him but something had been bothering him lately.   
He could not get Yamada off of his head.  
His head had been honestly a total mess since he did not know when, to be honest. He just realized he could not get him off his head two days ago when he quite enjoyed messing up with the older, and Yamada gave him a high five before they parted ways and he was like a stupid when he got home because he kept smiling when he remembered it. They were actually pretty friendly that day that it had after-effects on him.   
His head that used to be filled with his thoughts of Ryutaro was totally filled with Yamada.   
And he hated it.  
Yamada was not worthy of a millisecond to think about.  
He was annoying.  
So why? Why why why why   
He did not want to come up to any conclusions yet especially that it had been just a week since they met. And there was still the fact that Yamada was annoying and most of the time he was annoyed at him, but not annoyed in a way he was mad. He could not actually get mad at him for being innately annoying.   
He actually believed he still liked Ryutaro. He liked him for a year and it was unbelievable for his feelings to change so fast.   
He shook his head and messed his hair. “Damn...” he murmured.  
“So, what’s making you so messed up right now, huh?”  
Chinen looked back and was surprised to see Yuto. “Yutti~” he whined as he slumped his shoulders, leaning his head on Yuto’s arm. Yuto was really there when he needed someone, just popping out from nowhere most of the times.  
Yuto looked at him with sincere but worried eyes. “Is there something wrong?”  
Chinen inhaled deeply and stood straight. “I have something to tell you, Yutti.” He held his hands. “But please don’t look at me differently, okay?”  
Yuto looked not just worried but also scared as to what his best friend wanted to tell him that might possibly change his perception about him. “Chii, is there something you’ve been not telling me? No secrets, right?”  
“I know, Yutti.” He chewed the corner of his bottom lip while he fiddled his fingers on the hem of his school uniform.  
However, the silence just caused his best friend to jumped into conclusions of his own.  
“Don’t tell me you’ve got yourself a lover?!”  
He looked down and shook his head. “That’s so unrealistic. And I only like Ryutaro-kun.”  
Yuto grabbed Chinen’s shoulders as his eyes widened upon locking eyes with him, trying so hard to intimidate him. “You made out with some—“  
“Fuck—no, Yutti!” he exclaimed and brushed Yuto’s hands away from him, fear was obvious in his face. “How would that even be possible if having a lover is unrealistic for me?!”  
Yuto held on his chest as he calmed himself. He inhale-exhale and then shrugged. “I got a little scared, you know!”  
“It’s you—“  
“But, wait!” Yuto held out his index finger. Chinen frowned and tilted his head. “Since when did you learn saying ‘fuck’, huh? Or since when did you start cursing?”  
“It’s what I’m going to tell you.” He took a deep inhale and then exhaled. “There is this one member in the soccer team who just appeared a week ago. He’s a third year. He kept on pestering me in our training and he kept on annoying me during the first day we met up until now, but before we even knew each other, he bumped into me at the corridor and left me to help myself because he said he was in a hurry. That was when Ryutaro-kun saw me in my embarrassing moment again.  
“That guy is really annoying and all. I am sure you’d get annoyed as well if you’d be in one room with him. But on the other side of the coin, he’s also funny. He livens up the atmosphere during water breaks most of the time and I really laughed at most of his jokes.  
“My other teammates always say we are like a cat and a dog—always fighting. Some even teased us before, but we acted we didn’t hear it at all.” He ended it with a sigh, oblivious about the blush creeping on his cheeks.  
Yuto frowned, not finding where Chinen was coming from. “So, what’s the problem with him? What’s the bottom line? Is he a bad influence that’s why you’re cursing now? I thought the guys in your team are big guys with big hearts?”  
“No, no, no. It is just because he is so annoying that I get used to cursing, telling him ‘fuck you’ over and over again, but it seems like he is so insensitive and as hard as rock to feel anything. And he is not part of the big guys with big hearts, okay?! He’s just a little taller than me!”  
“Ehhhh~”  
Chinen looked up at him and got so puzzled upon seeing Yuto’s smug face with a smirk as if telling him something. “Why are you looking at me like that, huh?”  
Yuto giggled and then patted Chinen few times on his head. “Nothing. What’s his name?”  
“Yamada Ryosuke.”  
Yuto nodded. “So, what is with this annoying Yamada Ryosuke that made you think I might look at you differently?”  
Chinen secretly sighed and clasped his hands to stop them from trembling. He was feeling embarrassed of what he might tell Yuto next. That was the bottom line, the hardest part. “I—” He bit his lip. “—I honestly couldn’t,” he stops. “Yutti, you have to promise me you will not look at me differently and will not laugh at me. Promise me, please!”  
“You’re my best friend, Chii. Even if you killed someone, I’d help you make alibis or I might even runaway with you. And after all that, you’re still my best friend.”  
“Weeeell, I just realized that I’ve been thinking about him all day in every day. I couldn’t get him out from my head. It’s been two days since I realized I am being haunted with our cursing moments together and I don’t know why that is and I don’t know what that even means. I am feeling all weird every time I remember all that. I tried to think of Ryutaro-kun just like I used to, but that fucker—I’m sorry—just keeps on invading my head 24/7!”  
Yuto laughed seeing how adorable his best friend looked at the moment. Chinen was so confused that he was going nuts already and his cheeks were like apples. “So simple. You like him.”  
“But I just met him a week ago! And Ryutaro-kun...”  
“So what if you just met him a week ago? And Ryu-chan?”  
“Is that even possible? In just a short time I already like him? Worse is I still like Ryutaro-kun! And Yutti,” he paused to sigh, “I can’t even tell myself what I’m feeling. You were just the one who told me what I felt for Ryutaro-kun, and so I went on believing that I really like him. And then as time passed by, I already realized that maybe I really like him.”  
“So, are you not going to believe me that you like Yamada-san this time?”  
Chinen gave him a puzzled look.  
For him, it was still way too possible for him to develop feelings to someone who did nothing but to annoy him. Because technically speaking, he hated him. And yet he knew deep within him, he did not also hate him. Otherwise, he would not laugh at his jokes no matter how funny they were.  
Yuto sighed in a tight-lipped smile. “You know, Chii, I wasn’t the reason why you realized your feelings for Ryu-chan. You were just denial at the beginning because he is your first crush, so everything was still so foreign for you. You kept saying you didn’t like him because at the first place you didn’t even know how it feels to like someone. And then—bam!—the day just came that you finally admitted to yourself that you like him because you already understood the concept of liking someone through your experiences.  
“And you know what, it is possible to like someone by just knowing him in a short time, but it is impossible to like two people at the same time with equal feelings.”   
Chinen’s puzzled look was consistent.  
“Let’s put it this way. Maybe you are overwhelmed by his presence. He can make you laugh and all and you unconsciously like his presence and you unconsciously like it whenever he is annoying you. I know you so much, Chii. He must be a special case for you not to snap at him and tell him off. And maybe—just maybe—his presence makes you forget about your feelings for Ryu-chan.”  
Chinen shook his head slightly, over and over again. “Maybe I am just really overwhelmed. Because if I like Yamada while I like Ryutaro-kun, wouldn’t that make me a flirt or whatever? You might think I’m a flirt and you said it’s impossible to like two people at the same time.”  
Yuto giggled because Chinen was getting more and more adorable by his innocence, but when Chinen pouted at him, he pressed his lips tight to suppress his giggles. “But you know, Chii, you don’t have to stop your feelings just because you believe you still like Ryu-chan. I am not saying you like that soccer boy, okay? What I’m trying to tell here is that changing feelings will not make you look bad no matter how fast or how long that might take. If you like Ryu-chan yesterday and like someone new today—let’s say the soccer boy, for example—then be it. It’s impossible to like two people at the same time, yes, because if you really still like the first one, then you won’t like someone else. Rather, you like someone new because you like him now more than you like before. People are different and you will feel different in every person. Sometimes someone will outweigh and someone will be less and that depends on how they are making you feel.”  
Chinen did not know what to say nor did he have any idea of what to say as his head was still full of thoughts.  
“Chii, you have to remember that feelings die especially when not being taken good care of. It’s not that you’re expecting Ryu-chan to reciprocate your feelings which I know you wouldn’t do, but it’s more of like...like—“ he paused, trying to remember what he wanted to say next, “—like nothing strengthens your feelings for him! Yes, that’s it. It’s one-sided after all, so you don’t have to be hard on yourself, okay? If you don’t like Ryu-chan anymore, no one’s gonna get hurt. And no one ever has the rights to judge you just because you like someone else. Feelings die. Feelings change. I guess one-sided love is not really meant to last really long until reciprocated.”  
Chinen was still silent.  
Yuto sighed. “You’re confused, Chii. And it’s because you care so much about how other people will look at you. How about forgetting those and just place yourself to where you know you’ll be happy? You have to remember that you are not hitting two birds with one stone. I am sure somewhere in your unconscious mind someone outweighs. Something just has to happen or someone to appear to put whoever that is into your conscious mind.”  
Chinen took a deep sigh as he tried to process everything that Yuto had told him. He did not have any opposition, as a matter of fact. He was really trying to think about what Yuto told him and was really trying to think about his feelings better. At the moment, he was still confused. A lot of things were coming in his head—comparisons, contrasts, and who outweighs and all—but nothing still made sense. However, he was certain that with enough time, he would come up to a conclusion which would be perfect for the present.  
“This is just something I just thought of while you were in deep thoughts just now, but don’t let this change whatever you’re thinking about, okay?” Yuto waited for Chinen to nod. “I think we got the ‘get used to the feelings of liking him’ wrong. Maybe when you started acting normal around Ryu-chan, it is because you start to lose your feelings for him. Maybe it’s not getting used to it, but rather you’re moving on. It’s not your intention, but I guess it just happened because it has to happen. This is just, you know, my opinion or perhaps my hunch about this matter. Don’t let this affect you or anything, okay?”  
“I-I am going to really think about this. Thank you, Yutti. I wonder how I will be if you’re not here.”  
Yuto patted his head. “I am kind of enjoying seeing you like this, Chii.”  
“You’re a sadist!”  
“No, no, no. It’s just that I never thought I’d see you like this—being so torn and so confused. I am happy that you’re discovering things about life. Just like this love problem of yours.”  
“Sadist!”  
Yuto pouted and both of them laughed at each other, the taller of the two ruffling the smaller one’s hair.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chinen met the most arrogant, yet funniest senior teammate in the soccer team, Yamada. There starts their up and down friendship that might develop into something more exciting.

“Ten minutes water break!” Tanaka announced and the players shouted their exhaustion after the few games they had.   
“It still surprises me how good you play, Chinen,” Yamada said and winked at him.   
Chinen was taken aback. He felt his cheeks getting warm. He was honestly thinking about his feelings since the night he had a very honest conversation with Yuto two weeks ago, and because of that he was becoming more aware of Yamada’s presence and his actions toward him. But he admitted he was not really abnormal around Yamada unlike how he was with Ryutaro. And with that, he was thankful because he could not embarrass himself any more.   
“Of course! It’s me, after all!” he joked.  
Yamada laughed in amazement. “Fuck you!”  
He threw his bottled water to him. “Fuck you more, Yamada.”  
Tanaka cleared his throat.   
Chinen looked back and felt embarrassed.   
“Chibi’s turning so red!”  
He glared at Yamada. And then softly looked at their coach, “I’m sorry, coach, but Yamada is just really a fucker.” He glared back at Yamada, “Fuck you, really. I’m cursing you right now.”  
Yamada just laughed harder, but got whacked by their coach for teasing Chinen so much.   
The only two shortest members of the team were having a good conversation to fill in their 10-minute break. Although most of it was just about Yamada’s bragging and a little about his family, Chinen had to admit he enjoyed the conversations where he got to know Yamada more. He already got used to his bragging and all thus he was really no longer affected by it even though the fact that he was annoying did not change at all.  
“Well, my parents are workaholics, so I barely see them at home, but it’s honestly fine with me. I grew up rarely having them by my side and it wouldn’t make a change if it’s still happening until now, would it?”  
“Doesn’t that make you hate them?”  
Yamada frowned.  
“I am not saying you have to hate them. It’s just that the commonality among humans now is that they grow up hating their parents when they are neglected. In your entire existence in this world, you barely see them. Technically speaking, you grew up alone and you’re still alone.”  
“I have the maids, so they are the ones with me until now. I don’t think that’s being alone. And no, I don’t hate them. I basically don’t hate. For me, hating someone is being weak. Difference causes hate, right? It’s not the absence of love. So when you hate, it is because you are different from everyone and everyone is different from you. And having the feeling of hate because of it is such a pity because you don’t accept the difference in every person, because you can’t accept yourself. It’s actually a poor thing. Not something I can waste my time for. This world needs peace, freedom, and love. Hating is just going to get in the way of achieving those hence I don’t really have time for that.”  
Chinen nodded repeatedly, somehow getting astonished at Yamada’s smart philosophies in his life. He was too astonished he was too near in believing. Although he was not really a fan of hating, but he grew up believing that the absence of love causes hate and difference actually causes harmony at the end, so his beliefs were kind of contradicting Yamada’s.  
“Aren’t you lonely? You know being alone is different from being lonely.”  
“Now you got what I felt and still feeling. Who wouldn’t feel lonely with a lifestyle like mine? I grew up lacking the parents’ guidance I needed. I grew up in the absence of my parents every recognition day I was in. I grew up having the maids welcome me home from school. Damn hadn’t I experienced running in the hallway and had my parents welcome me in the living room and then they would hug me and kiss me and would tell me they’re proud I worked hard in class. I grew up inexperienced of how playing with parents feel. Until now, I don’t understand and I don’t know what’s there in family days. What is a family, even? Because before I even know it, I didn’t even have a family to begin with, so how would I understand?  
“Don’t take that as me hating my family. It’s just me feeling incomplete. I am a human and I lack a lot of things in life that are necessary in shaping every human as they develop. But I know my parents are busy, so I really have nothing to do about it.”  
Chinen did not know what to say, but he felt the weight on his chest and it was too much as his eyes were just on Yamada watching every action he was doing. He could not even swallow the tears in his throat, but he had to control them. He never felt this hurt. No, he did not pity him, but he was sympathizing and he felt so hurt thinking of how much more Yamada was carrying on his shoulders when he himself could not carry the weight he put himself into. If Yamada was a pair of clothing and he would wear him, he would be too suffocated as he experienced the life he was going through. Yamada must be on the verge of breaking. And no matter how strong he was and he was trying to be, he would break soon because he would get tired soon. Chinen was certain of that. Because he knew that too much of something does not lead to anything good. One day, he would burst and perhaps, but hopefully not, in an ugly way.  
He saw the need in Yamada’s eyes. He saw his longings. He saw what he was yearning for. It must be pretty lonely and sad to live in a big house, but did not even have a family he could call his own. Yamada was from a rich family, but he still did not have a lot. He lacked the needs a kid needed as he grew up, and he currently lacked the guidance he needed in every decision he was making in life. He did not have anyone beside him. He had his maids, but Chinen wondered if his maids were even truly there for him. However, on top of it all, he had his head up to Yamada for being so strong and independent.  
“Yamada...” He wanted to say sorry if ever it seemed he pressed on a very sensitive topic about his life. It was not intentional. He did not mean it if ever he hurt him in any way he was not aware of. However, he could not really find the words to convey. He did not even know what to do.   
Suddenly, Keito interrupted them and Chinen looked down to wipe the tears building in his eyes.   
“Ah, Yama-chan. Dai-chan was looking for you a while ago.”  
Chinen noticed the smile on Yamada’s face fell, his jaw stiffened. He wondered why. And who was Dai-chan?  
Hoping he would get the information from Keito, he looked up at him, but instead of knowing who Daiki was, he rather saw Keito’s face stiffened as well. He was not even looking at Yamada.  
“Did he say what he wanted?”  
Keito shook his head. “But he looked a bit troubled, though. I thought we’ve talked a—”  
“Just let him be. I have nothing to do with him since we broke up. You know that.”  
Chinen’s eyes widened a little as he stared at Yamada who was looking down and was like distracting himself by playing with his shoelaces. He must still be affected. Maybe the break up was still fresh for him. With the entire time he knew Yamada, he never wore any face of hurt or pain because of the break up. He was all smiles and still livened up the atmosphere during their training. Yamada must be good at keeping his feelings inside—so good that Chinen did not notice he was going through something. He did not even notice that despite all the luxuries Yamada was having in his life, he still did not have the most important things in his life. And then, he knew he broke up with his partner. Did Yamada even deserve all those in his life? Could he still carry more weight? He was physically strong, but how about emotionally?  
Chinen had to admit that the weight on his chest was increasing. He wondered if he would be able to go on a day wearing Yamada and experiencing his life. He was feeling suffocated already about the revelations he heard about Yamada’s life. He was feeling choked up. Could he still go on?   
The atmosphere became a little awkward after what Keito told Yamada. Chinen did not want it like that even if it was not the thing he should meddle with. He might be selfish, but he wanted Yamada to always smile.   
“Ehhh~” Chinen started and then he hit Yamada on his arm. Yamada looked up at him, sadness was obviously etched on his face but he was trying hard enough to conceal them. However, he was already bare in Chinen’s eyes. Chinen finally could see through Yamada after knowing him better. “I didn’t know you had a lover. You don’t look like you’ll have one,” he teased and he wished he would not hurt Yamada by that. He should know by now the difference between Chinen teasing him and becoming serious. At the moment, he wanted to be the one to put smile on Yamada’s face, especially when he needed it most.  
Yamada smiled, a real one, and the weight on Chinen’s chest was gradually being lifted. “Fuck you, Chinen. Have you really met me?” He moved next to Chinen and wrapped an arm around his neck. Chinen felt his arm tight around his neck, and although it kind of hurt, he just let him if that could help him loosen up even just a bit. “With a face like mine, what would you expect?”  
“With an ugly face like yours? Of course I’d expect you wouldn’t have a partner.” He stuck a tongue out at him, his heart beating a bit crazy at how close their faces were.   
Yamada laughed so hard and Chinen felt his arm getting even tighter around his neck. Yamada’s laugh was real, too. He felt it. “Once I graduate, I am sure this face of mine is what you’re gonna miss so much.”  
He pushed Yamada away from him. “Dream on, Yamada! I’d rather be the happiest since my life will be at peace.”  
“You’re just saying that because there are other people, but I swear, you’re gonna miss me. You’re going to cry like a kid as I leave this school.”  
Chinen looked at him in awe because of his overconfident statement, his cheeks getting warmer and warmer he felt them going to explode in no time because of Yamada embarrassing him so much. “I am sorry again, coach, but really, Yamada... fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!”  
Yamada stuck his tongue out at him.  
“You keep on teasing Chinen-kun, Yama. I won’t be surprised if one day I know you’re already in love with him.”  
“Tanaka-sensei!” Chinen cried out. “Don’t say something impossible!”  
“Chinen-kun is blushing,” teased one from their members, Yabu.  
“Yabu-senpai...” Chinen mumbled while pouting.  
“Me? Falling in love with Chinen? That is so, so, so, so impossible! I’m already small enough to like someone smaller than me!” Yamada showed Chinen his smug face, the face of proving Chinen he had a better comeback and revenge.  
Chinen did not know how and what to react, but he just tried make a funny face at Yamada. He faked a laugh and said, “But someone taller wouldn’t look good with Yamada, too, right?” He looked, or rather glared, at Yamada. “Someone who would remind you that you lack height is no good. Do you even know that?”  
It was already too late when he realized that what he said would be really misunderstood and was very misleading. It was like telling them he was better since he was smaller. And with that, he was unconsciously banging his head on the wall for trying so hard to cheer up Yamada secretly. He wanted to be eaten by the ground because of embarrassment right at the moment. He was just too lucky enough that their coach called the resume of their training.  
As their training continued, Chinen could not help but to wonder about Yamada and his past boyfriend and generally about all the things he found out about Yamada in that ten-minute water break. He never saw Yamada with a pained expression, but a while ago, whenever Keito mentioned Dai-chan, Chinen felt that Yamada was just trying to look okay. He looked more in pain about his ex-boyfriend than when he was telling about his family issues. The way he always looked down by the mention of his past boyfriend’s name, he could tell the heartbroken one was still hurting. If he was not, he would not be so quiet the entire time they finished their water break. Yamada was bothered. He was worried and he could not concentrate so much, but he was really trying. He was really trying so hard to look okay and unaffected. That was what Chinen noticed. And he himself felt even worse about himself. It seemed like he added more on what Yamada had on his plate by letting him talk about his family.

“See you tomorrow, Chinen-kun,” Hikaru said when they were all about to part in the intersection.   
“Uhm...” Yamada said as he stood next to Chinen, looking downcast while his hand was rubbing his nape. “I think I’m going to walk Chinen home.”  
“You don’t have to do—“ Chinen stopped when Yamada already walked past him. His eyes followed him and he knew the older needed his time alone away from the group.   
Keito looked at him with his eyes telling something.  
He frowned at him, asking what he was trying to convey.  
“Walk with him.” He smiled. “And listen to him.”  
He nodded a lot of times when he realized what his senpai meant. “Then I’ll be under his care. Jaa!”   
He bid goodbye and ran to catch up on Yamada.   
He did not say anything as the both of them remained silent while walking. He would look at Yamada from the corner of his eyes and he knew that Yamada was totally preoccupied. A lot of things must be running inside his head, so he decided not to ask anything and just let him in his silence. Besides, if he wanted to talk, he would. He did not want to press harder on the situation once again and be insensitive.  
Although Keito told him to listen to him, he guessed that with the time they were walking, Yamada would not say anything. But maybe just by keeping silent and walking with him in the silence of the night, it was enough to perhaps comfort him from what he might be feeling at the moment. It was the least that he could do. Although at the back of his mind he was so amazed that time would come they would be that silent and were not arguing about anything at all.  
“Can I have a moment?” Yamada broke the silence as he stopped on his pace and pointed at the playground across the street, not looking at Chinen.  
Chinen gulped the lump in his throat. “S-sure.”  
They crossed the street and settled on the seesaw.   
“Have you ever liked someone? Or had a lover?”   
Chinen blushed in embarrassment, surprised at his sudden questions.  
Yamada looked at him when he did not receive any respond. “Eh, you’re blushing! Does that mean you’re taken?”  
His eyes widened as he exaggeratedly swung his hand across his face. “That’s impossible!”  
Yamada tilted his head in confusion. “Impossible? What does that even mean?”  
“It’s impossible for me to be in a relationship yet. I am not even looking for one.”  
“I see,” responded Yamada while slowly nodding his head, taking in new information about his kouhai. “But you have someone you like?”  
Chinen swore at the moment that his cheeks turned shades darker. He looked down while biting his bottom lip. He had no idea why his heart was beating so fast. And his most concern was that he thought of Yamada when he asked him that question and he just felt something fuzzy inside his chest upon thinking about him. Maybe that was the answer to what he had been going crazy all about lately.  
He shyly nodded his head. “I-I t-think.”  
“You’re not even sure yourself?!” Yamada looked at him in awe. He laughed, inoffensively.   
Chinen felt glad he was able to smile.   
“That’s so innocent, Chinen. So cute.”  
“I’m not cute,” he mumbled in the air, his brows meeting. He then scoffed as his reply.  
Silence covered them again. They were looking up at the starry sky and the cries of the crickets were resonating against the silence of the night.   
Chinen could not think of anything to say at that kind of odd moment with Yamada. He was still processing all the information he got from his private life, and he was still feeling the heaviness.  
“Dai-chan...” Yamada started, with his voice obviously betraying him to conceal his nervousness, while he kicked some stones from the ground. “He’s my ex-boyfriend. Aaaaand,” he paused and then sighed, “We broke up almost half a year ago.”  
Chinen waited Yamada to continue, but he did not say anything anymore. All he could think of right at the moment, aside from listening to whatever Yamada would say, was to liven up the gloomy atmosphere especially from the guy who just talked about his ex-boyfriend. His healed wounds must be bleeding once again.  
He tried to laugh softly. He looked at him, but Yamada was too focused on the rocks he was kicking. “Must be because you cheated.”  
And he knew he was not trying to liven up the atmosphere. But man, what to do in such situation?  
Yamada scoffed. “I knew you’d say that.”  
“Am I judging you too much?”  
Finally, Yamada was able to look at Chinen on his eyes. He was staring at him too seriously that Chinen became even oblivious about the obvious shade on his cheeks. Yamada’s stare was absolutely drowning him at the moment. His eyes were conveying both sincerity and pain.  
“Yes, you are.”  
Chinen knocked his senses back, not getting what Yamada meant. “I’m sorry?”  
Yamada smiled and shook his head. He looked back up at the sky again. “Sorry to disappoint you, but he was the one who broke up with me.”  
“Yeah? Because you cheated, right?” He laughed, proving he was just joking.  
Yamada pressed his lips together and looked down. “I didn’t. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t.”  
“Don’t dare lie to me, Yamada.”  
“I am not lying, Chinen.” He looked at him in the eyes again; his eyes still conveying the same feelings. “I’m not lying.”  
Chinen chewed the corner of his bottom lip, looked away, and did not say anything again. He felt Yamada was telling the truth.  
“He found someone else and decided to break up with me. I loved him so much that was why when we broke up, I was the most devastated. I thought I am already devastated enough because of the kind of life I have, but I didn’t think the break-up would ruin me badly. Maybe because for the first time in my life, I had someone I could call mine. He wasn’t just my boyfriend, but a family and my best friend which were the things I badly wanted to have in my life for so long. He all gave me what I didn’t have. He filled in the gaps in me. Then one day, I just woke up and he was gone because he found someone better. Perhaps he didn’t want to deal with me anymore because I have a very sad life, perhaps he didn’t want to heal me anymore, perhaps I am too broken he got tired fixing me...” he sighed. “I actually don’t know why. Was it me, I asked myself. But then I thought it couldn’t be just me. I tried to be the boyfriend he deserved because I know the feeling not having the things you deserved to have in life. I know the feeling that’s why I tried so hard, but I guess it wasn’t still enough. Maybe because I am too broken that’s why he left—maybe...”   
Chinen pressed his lips tight as he tried to silently sniff his tears back. He did not want Yamada to see his tears, especially at this moment. He did not want Yamada to feel he just pitied him that was why he was there next to him or he had no choice because it was him who invited him. He came with Yamada because he was thinking he could be of help for him.  
He actually wanted to tell Yamada that he was wrong about himself. He did not want him to think his brokenness was the reason he was left behind. It was not love at all if Daiki got tired fixing him. He might not be the one to talk about love, but he knew that no one would get tired of their loved ones. So if Daiki got tired fixing him and rather found someone better—flawless, perhaps—then he wondered if he really loved Yamada at the first place. Or maybe it was just he pitied his brokenness that he found Yamada such a poor thing, so he stayed by his side. Or maybe he took advantage of Yamada’s weakness. Chinen actually did not know, but if he would be able to talk to Daiki and he would tell him that Yamada was too broken he sought for someone better, then that would be a sure bull. It was not an enough reason for him to look for someone not as broken as Yamada.  
“I thought he loved me that when I let him go, he’d come back running to me and we would be together again. But I was so wrong. After we broke up, he never contacted me again. We see each other in school sometimes, but he always pretends he doesn’t know me especially when his boyfriend is with him. He looks happy, though. That’s why I just left things as they are even if it kills me. I’m happy as long as he’s happy.”  
And Chinen knew that was one of the famous lies people tell after a break up, that they are happy as long as their loved ones are happy even if being happy is not being with them.   
“Yamada...” Chinen wanted him to stop because it was like pouring acid on his wounds, and he knew how painful it would be.  
Yamada did not stop talking. “I realized that there was no way hoping for his comeback again. I mean, he’s already happy with him. And I need to be happy as well. So, I really tried my best to get over him.” He paused and messed his hair. “I am honestly over him, Chinen, but sometimes it still hurts. Because it always makes me wonder if I will ever be worthy to have the only few things I want in life.   
“You know, when I heard he was looking for me, I started getting confused again. I have so many questions like why was he looking for me? What does he want from me now? Was he going to break me again when I am still even in the process of building myself? And a lot more questions. Maybe because we never really had a proper closure to put end in everything. He just told me through text that he was breaking up with me. And the next day, he was already flirting with his new boyfriend.  
“Chinen...” he turned to him and looked in his eyes. “I love very seriously. Because I always think that if I will play around with my feelings, then I might overlook the person for me. But I really wondered I wasn’t even playing around to begin with, but why did I still find him with someone new and better? And at the end, I kept falling on the same conclusion that maybe it was me why we didn’t work out.”  
Chinen gulped the lump in his throat and then looked away as he could not find the right words to tell him. Right at the moment, he prayed to God to give him the skill to tell Yamada the right things he deserved to hear about love. How could a man with no experience tell something useful for the heartbroken one? Yamada needed comfort, but he did not know how he would give that. Would a pat on his back do? Would telling him things will be better soon do? He actually had no idea. He could not think of what to say. He never had someone telling him about his heartbreaking love story nor had he heard of a very heartbreaking family matters. Even Yuto never had a girlfriend and he got a perfect family, so the topic he and Yamada were in was something he never encountered before. He was really clueless of what was needed to be done in a situation like that.  
He was starting to panic and to feel useless he could not even do something for Yamada who obviously needed someone beside him to make him feel better. But before he could even know it, he was already in front of him and got him shackled in his arms. Being back to his trance, he was surprised by his action, but he did not have a heart to pull away especially when Yamada was holding him back as if he was holding onto his dear life. Yamada was so hurt, but he was too strong not to cry.   
“This is definitely what I really need right now, Chinen. Thank you so much.”  
Chinen swallowed as he nodded. “I’m terribly sorry, Yamada. I really don’t know what to say to make you feel better.”  
“No, no, no, no. This is honestly perfect. Thank you. How long has it been since I was held like this?”  
Chinen smiled. “But you know, never think that you were the reason why it didn’t work out. I know I know nothing about you two, but you were so serious loving him. Maybe it was him who overlooked the man for him, who overlooked you. Or maybe the reason it didn’t work out was that neither of you was the right person for each other.”  
Silence occurred for a while, but Chinen felt Yamada smiled as he was being held tighter. It was not appropriate to think of other things at the moment, but Chinen just realized how warm Yamada was. Daiki must be so lucky to be held by Yamada like he was the most precious thing in the world. Too bad he looked for somebody else he thought was better.  
“People nowadays only listen for the sake of response. They don’t listen to understand. Sometimes we only need the presence. We don’t need words because at the back of our heads, we know what we really have to do. This is honestly the first time again after so long that I felt I am not alone. Thank you so much, Chii. I didn’t think I’d hear such words from you. I didn’t think you’d hold me. I really felt better.”  
Chinen was quiet for a second, mentally patting himself on his back for making Yamada feel better even just a bit, not until it finally gotten inside him that Yamada called him differently. He pulled away. “Chii?”  
Of all the beautiful things that Yamada told about him, it was being called Chii he noticed.  
“Yes. Chii. Can I call you that?”  
Chinen blinked. “O-of course, you can. I just got a little surprised.”  
Yamada grinned. “Call me Yama-chan in exchange, okay? I think we’re gonna be great friends.”   
He offered his hand which Chinen accepted. And that marked the start of their friendship. 

“I think if you’ll talk to him again, you’ll be in peace. I mean, maybe the closure is what you just need, so you won’t be confused again, so you can give end in everything. That is if you’ve really moved on. I know I am nobody to say that since I don’t have any experience, but that’s just what I think is best for you,” Chinen smiled with a shrug. “And I know we just know each other for weeks, but I want to tell you that you’re not alone. You may not notice, but there might be someone out there willing to be there for you, willing to fix you again, willing to fill in the gaps in you, and willing to love you despite how broken you are,” he said, “So, goodnight, Yama-chan. Are you sure you don’t want to go in?”  
Yamada rubbed his nape, looking downcast. “It’s already too late. I don’t want to burden your parents anymore.”  
“You sure?”  
Yamada nodded.  
He grinned while waving. “Thank you for walking me home then. Have a tea in our house sometimes, okay?”  
Yamada pressed his lips and started walking backwards, nodding. “I’ll do what you said, Chii. If you think that’s best for me, I’ll do it. I am not going to see him again or even talk to him again. Even after the closure. Have my word, Chii. And after that, let’s get to know each other more, okay?”  
“That’s a deal then!”  
He then looked down, grinning. “And one last thing.”  
And Chinen noticed that even if he was not facing him.  
He looked up, a wider grin plastered on his face. “It would really be great if that ‘someone out there’ would be you, Chii. Honestly.”  
“Eh?”  
“See you tomorrow!”  
Yamada turned around and jogged away.  
Chinen was immobile as he was still processing what Yamada told him. He was too far away from reality, but he was snapped back to his trance, his face heating as if they would explode real soon and his heart was mercilessly banging on his chest.  
“Chii!”  
“W-What?”  
Yamada grinned at him sweetly that it caused his heart to twitch a little. “Fuck you,” he said in a voice that was so soft, so sweet, and Chinen could not even describe it anymore. Because Yamada did not say it playfully rather it was kind of serious or sincere—he did not know actually, but god it was so different compared to how he usually said it. And he wanted to lean on the door and slide down because he felt so bedazzled at the moment, but he was reminded he would never embarrass himself again.  
“Fuck you!” He shouted at him and Yamada was just grinning at him while biting his lower lip, pointing both his index fingers at him, which honestly took Chinen’s breath away.  
Yamada waved at him and he could not stop himself but to watch him until he was no longer in sight. His heart was like the fourth of July, beating crazily against his ribs that he questioned himself if that was even possible or if it was even safe for his heart to beat so fast. He could not understand what his heart wanted to feel at the moment. It was crazy to be honest. His face was too hot like he was ill. The smile on his face could not be faltered. He was too happy—way too happy he did not notice he already looked stupid in front of his house. Good thing it was dark.  
He sniffed and then smiled again as he entered the front door, saying softly, “Fuck you, Yama-chan,” instead of greeting he was home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chinen met the most arrogant, yet funniest senior teammate in the soccer team, Yamada. There starts their up and down friendship that might develop into something more exciting.

Few days had passed and Chinen started noticing that Yuto had been trying to have a glimpse of his training which he did not really do before. Being part of the student council got majority of Yuto’s time and he was wondering when he told him he was going to watch his training until it finished. The reason? It was because Chinen told him that his friendship with Yamada had been progressing, so Yuto himself wanted to witness what that progress meant. Chinen just told him they were able to talk about more serious things about Yamada’s life and Yamada did not really mind telling them to him since they were already friends, although there was still the habit of cursing each other and Yamada even annoying him more as they became friends. Moreover, Yamada became a little more carefree than usual, Chinen thought, especially after when he told him that he already put end at everything with Daiki: “The closure wasn’t really dramatic. We just apologized to each other and then forgave each other and officially let go of each other. I guess we’d be happier now. And I guess that closure really put me at ease now,” Yamada told him over the phone before, although it was not in details.   
“If you’re trying to run away from your tasks, I am telling you now to go back and do what you are supposed to do. You don’t have to watch my training. Just wait until the tournament,” Chinen told Yuto when the first half of their game ended.  
“I’m not running away, okay? We just have lesser tasks recently, so I got the time to watch you. Besides, I haven’t really met your Yamada Ryosuke. Where is he, by the way?”  
“My?!” Chinen was surprised. He looked back to see if anyone heard his best friend’s big mouth. “Are you insane? What if someone hears you?! Damn, Yutti! I should have done something about your big mouth since before! And I don’t know why he is not here yet. He’s late or maybe skipping... I don’t know.”  
Yuto giggled. “Stop being so paranoid, okay? And I thought you guys are friends? Didn’t he tell you about skipping or being late?”  
“Yutti, we’re friends. That doesn’t mean he has to report every detail about his day. And besi—  
“Yo, Chii.”  
Chinen was surprised to see Yamada. His eyes narrowed when he felt something was off about him, but he could not see what it was, so he just gave him a smile as his greeting. “H-Hey! You’re late. First half just ended.”  
Yamada rubbed his nape, looking downcast. “Yeah. I ran an errand for university.”  
Chinen nodded, but at the back of his head, there was something Yamada not telling. And he knew he did not have the rights to know it unless he would tell him. And he was too worried about what might be bothering Yamada that he did not feel a little bit sad about the older working on his university application because that meant they only had limited time together before graduation.  
“Introduce me, Chii,” whispered Yuto.  
Chinen called before Yamada could even enter their locker room. “Ah, Yama-chan!” Yamada looked back. “Can you come over here for a while?”  
Yamada smiled and walked toward them. While he was walking, Chinen looked at Yuto behind him and gave him the look to not run his big mouth for heaven’s sake.  
He faced Yamada and cleared his throat. He pulled Yuto on his arm to stand.   
Yamada looked at Yuto in awe. “You sure do have a very tall friend here, Chii.” And then he smiled down at Chinen. “You look even smaller next to him. And of course, I won’t dare stand next to him, though.”  
Chinen glared at him. “He’s Nakajima Yuto, my best friend. He just wanted to meet the reason why I curse a lot recently. And Yutti, that small guy is Yamada Ryosuke.”   
“Nice meeting you,” Yuto and Yamada said in unison as they shook hands.   
“So, you are making me the bad guy in your best friend’s eyes by blaming me why you are cursing a lot now? And hey, calling me a small guy doesn’t even make you taller. I’m technically still taller than you.”  
He pouted as he mentally blamed himself for starting their height issues. “Well, you really are a bad guy. You’re the very first person in my entire life I curse so much.”  
“Really? Then I must feel very special,” teased Yamada while ruffling Chinen’s hair.   
His mouth parted as he felt his cheeks getting warm. He looked away and pushed Yamada into their locker room. “Fuck you! Stop talking nonsense and change now!”   
And then he shut the door close, touching his hair.   
“Chii, fuck you!” Yamada shouted in between his laughter from inside the locker room.  
Chinen shook his head as he sighed and then walked back to Yuto who was trying to stop himself to laugh. “He’s really annoying!”   
“Are you not telling me something?”  
“Huh?”  
“Well, I just feel like ‘fuck you’ means ‘I love you’ for the both of you. And I know I don’t have any experience with something like this, but I feel something in the way he looks at you.”  
Chinen covered Yuto’s mouth although it was already too late, his face creeping with obvious blush. “Stop it, Yutti!”  
He honestly remembered that night when Yamada cursed him in a very soft and sweet way—sincere, almost. He was wondering what if the words that escaped from Yamada’s mouth were ‘I love you’ and not ‘Fuck you’, he wondered how his heart would feel or how he would feel. His heart might burst for feeling so much. Or worst, he could die.

When Chinen thought that Yuto would stop coming to his training because he already met Yamada and he knew he would be in so much danger if he was around, he got it wrong. Because what Yuto witnessed—what Chinen called the progress of his friendship with Yamada—made him to honestly want to see more of it. And he was happy enough to witness how much Yamada would tease Chinen during their training and how much they were cursing each other. Yuto had actually buried in his head that ‘fuck you’ meant ‘I love you’ for Chinen and Yamada, and so when he would hear them cursing each other, he felt nothing but extremely thrilled and so happy for his best friend. He was very certain that there was a meaning behind in the way Yamada looked at his innocent best friend who was surprisingly in the most thrilling and exciting part of being a teenager.  
However, Chinen, on the other side, was still being bothered about Yamada. Although he still had not figured out what was making him looked really odd recently, he knew something was up with him that perhaps he did not really want him to know.   
“Yutti, stop coming here and do your tasks in the student coun—“ Chinen stopped when he saw the guy behind Yuto. “Ryutaro-kun?!”   
And he admitted he did not feel his heart skip a beat. He was mentally patting himself on his back because at some point his confusion about his feelings for Ryutaro and Yamada was getting clearer, although it was already clear for him. He just wanted to make sure, though.  
“What are you doing here?”  
“Well, Ryu-chan has to wait until his girlfriend’s club activities finish, so I told him to come with me and watch your training. And he was fine with it. Ryu-chan played soccer when we were in middle school. I brought him here hoping he’d have the same drive to play soccer again.”   
“Eh? Really?”  
Yuto nodded.   
“I just played for fun, though. And I stopped after a year.”  
Yuto nudged Ryutaro on his side. “For fun yourself! It was just because he encountered this one player from another school during their practice game for the tournament. Ryu-chan was the ace of the team back then. He was too good in dribbling the ball, doing tricks and all that no one could even steal it from him. However, he met his true opponent during that practice game. I don’t know who he is. Do you know his name, Ryu-chan?”  
Ryutaro shook his head. “C-can’t remember him anymore.”  
“He’s traumatized.” Yuto continued as he patted Ryutaro on his shoulder. “Anyways, he must be better than Ryu-chan because he was able to steal the ball from him. Not long after that, Ryu-chan quitted even before the tournament. All I know was that he got the same position as Ryu-chan, center midfielder. And, I remember when Ryu-chan went to him, despite feeling bad about losing, just to congratulate him, that guy didn’t even thank him and just walked away, laughing a little and saying, ‘Pretender.’! He didn’t have manners and he was so arrogant for a kid! They even almost fight when Ryu-chan said, ‘Aren’t you a bit rude, senpai?’ But then that rude guy just left. I bet he’s still carrying that attitude until now and everyone in his team is secretly cursing him.  
“Don’t go around saying you played just for fun. We’re friends since then and I really saw how passionate you were playing soccer.”  
“Eh~ Our team’s center midfielder is the ace, too, and he’s also rude and arrogant like that guy Yutti said! Maybe we can play with him! I guess he’s no match to you. I think Ryu-chan can play with the ball well without him stealing it from you.” Chinen said in his oblivious excited voice while describing their team’s ace, his frienemy.   
“N-No!”  
“What do you mean?” Chinen frowned when he noticed Ryutaro’s face turned pale. “You okay?”  
“I mean...” He gulped. “I’ll be more comfortable if I’ll play with someone I know well. Like you, Chinen-kun.”  
“But we can’t play with just the two of us.”  
“O-of course we can. We can do penalty kicks...or just the normal game, but we have to adjust the rules.”  
Chinen laughed. “Okay then. If that’s what Ryutaro-kun wants.”  
The tallest of the three invited, “Let’s have ramen on our way home after Chii’s training? I want to formally meet Ryu-chan’s girlfriend.”  
“Ah, I want that, too! I wanna meet her!”  
“Eh? She’s actually very shy around people she is not familiar with. But, I’ll try.”  
“Yay!” Chinen jumped like a kid.   
Usually, it was Yuto who would pinch his cheeks or would ruffle his hair when he was being too cute, but to both Chinen and Yuto’s surprise, it was Ryutaro who suddenly pinched Chinen on his cheeks.  
“Chinen-kun is really cute ne?”  
“Eh, Ryutaro-kun...” Chinen looked downcast; a blush of embarrassment was creeping on his face. “Stop it...”  
“But Chinen-kun likes me, right?” said Ryutaro as he finally let go of Chinen’s cheeks, ruffling his hair.   
Chinen was surprised at what Ryutaro told him. Of course, he would know that he liked him. It was not just because of Yuto’s big mouth, but also because of his awkward behaviour around him that proved he really did have feelings for him. He was actually surprised that Ryutaro was going to ask him that upfront.   
“But—“ He was about to deny it when suddenly he felt a strong arm wrapped around his neck. He looked next to him and saw Yamada.   
“The training will start now.”  
“Ah! Okay...”  
Yamada then dragged him to the field without even saying hi to Chinen’s audience or without even excusing the little one.   
“Wasn’t that a bit rude, senpai?” Ryutaro grumbled, emphasizing his honorific.  
“Don’t make it a big deal, Ryu-chan,” Yuto whispered, pulling Ryutaro by his arm. “You just dragged him away while we were still talking.”  
Chinen turned around, his heart beating a bit fast for he sensed a fight between the two strangers. “Ryutaro-kun, it’s alright. He’s sorry. Right, Yama-chan?” He looked up at Yamada who still had his back on his friends, but to his surprise Yamada’s eyes were flaring. “Yama-chan, say sorry,” he begged, his voice above whisper, pulling his arm a little.  
“This is the soccer field where soccer players train. This is exactly not the place for you to have a friendly conversation,” Yamada replied, still not looking at them. He then held Chinen on his hand and dragged him to the field. “So, you flirt with the one you like? A really different side of you—so surprising. Is that how you play?”  
Chinen wanted to think Yamada was just joking, but he did not know why he got hurt by his words although he did not actually understand what he truly meant. Yamada’s face was not even showing he did not mean what he said.  
He pulled him lightly on his chest to brush his arm off around his neck. “What’s wrong with you?!”  
“Let’s start the training!” Yamada shouted while clapping his hands to call the other members, obviously ignoring him.  
Chinen looked back at his friends and bowed his head on behalf of Yamada. He then looked at Yamada from the corner of his eyes and watched his serious face, his brows meeting midway.  
Yamada had been really weird lately.   
And he became weirder and weirder because as the days passed Chinen could feel Yamada was trying to avoid him. He was already certain that there was something that he was not telling him. Although he knew he did not have the rights to know what he had been keeping since their friendship was not like the one he had with Yuto—no secrets—he could not just let it go. He did not know if he was just thinking too much or he was just paranoid, but he felt like he was involved in Yamada’s odd behaviour.   
Moreover, he could feel the intensity in between Yamada and Ryutaro. He could not understand why they were hot-blooded when it came to each other when in fact they were complete strangers. The first time they talked was also the last one, but the way they looked at each other, it seemed like they would attack each other in no time. He had tried asking Yamada what was his problem to Ryutaro and he even told him the good things about him, but Yamada just said that Ryutaro was just pissing him off but he did not hate him. And when he asked Yuto about Ryutaro, he just told him that Ryutaro hated how Yamada was acting like he was superior just because he was two years older than them when in fact they were just both equal. Both he and Yuto could not also understand what was up between the two of them. However, despite of all that, there were still times Ryutaro would watch his training just to fill in the time he had to wait until his girlfriend’s club activities finished. And thank god no harm was still caused between the two.

 

“Damn it!” Chinen cursed under his breath as he kicked the soccer ball to the goal.   
“What’s wrong, Chinen-kun?”  
He looked back and saw their coach. He held the other ball with his hand and tried to smile.   
“I will understand if you’re annoyed about the last minute cancellation of the training.”  
“No, sensei. I’m just venting out about something I don’t understand.”  
“I see. Is that the matter of your heart? I noticed Yama didn’t attend the training for the entire week.”  
His head snapped up to his coach as he was currently blushing. “How come Tanaka-sensei relates Yama-chan with the matter of my heart...?”  
“No, no, no, no. I wasn’t relating them. I just realized that I haven’t seen that guy for a week. Chinen-kun and Yama are good friends, right?”  
He sighed, drawing circles on the soccer ball in his hand. “I don’t even know if he was serious being friends with me...”  
“So you’re uncertain? Or you just don’t trust him?”  
“I trust him, sensei. Uncertain, maybe. Despite being annoying, he is really a good person. It’s just that he is acting so odd recently. And also, it seems like he’s avoiding me. But then, I can’t even ask him up straight because I am scared that the friendship I thought I have with him is actually nonexistent. Maybe it is just me assuming that we are really friends... And if I confront him and he will tell me exactly what I am scared to hear from him, I don’t know what will happen. I don’t want him to hate me. I don’t want him—” He suddenly stopped when he felt his coach’s silence. He looked away and tried to laugh. “Ah! I’m sorry, sensei! I’m blabbing so much right now.”  
“It’s alright, Chinen-kun. You know you can talk to me about anything. I’m your coach. You can trust me. But you know, I’ve known Yamada since he started his senior high school and that guy really doesn’t have the time to hate anyone, so I don’t think he’s going to hate you.”  
Chinen beamed and bowed. “Thank you, sensei. But I’ll go ahead now if you wouldn’t mind.”  
“Sure. Take care ne?”

Chinen’s weekend was spent being holed up in his room. He rejected Yuto’s invitations to hangout. He did not answer his phone calls and messages. He was too engrossed about his problem with Yamada—the problem that was not even official but was just his belief. He tried to send him emails but he received nothing in return. His calls were also left unanswered and sometimes he would hang up on him. He did not also see him in school for the entire week. Chinen’s parents and Yuto were starting to be worried about him for locking himself in his room most of the time. Yuto also had no idea what was happening to his best friend. He completely had no idea what could bother Chinen so much to hole himself up in his room. It could not be Yamada because Chinen never told him he was having a problem with him except that irrational quarrel with Ryutaro. But, that was so impossible for Chinen to dwell on so much because neither from both parties had physically hurt each other, thank God.   
Monday came and Chinen was like a zombie the entire day. He did not talk to anyone in class and barely participated. When Yuto finally got the chance to ask him the matter, Chinen just shrugged him off and told him nothing was wrong. But, honestly, he had been having thoughts that he should not be thinking about. He did not even understand why he was making Yamada’s odd behaviour a big deal when in fact he could just let it go, so he would not be so problematic over something he just assumed.   
He was almost there at his wits’ end, but he was still trying.  
He was turning crazy, but he was still trying.

He was not in the mood for the training, but if this time Yamada would attend the training, then maybe he would have the chance to ask him what was wrong. And if Yamada would not say anything, then he would let go of it. He would not force him rather he would respect whatever his decision was. That was why with his slumped shoulders, he still tried his best to drag himself to his training.  
He was about to open the door to their locker room when suddenly he heard someone shouting inside and he heard Yamada’s name mentioned.  
“Yamada, speak up!”  
And by hearing that voice, he knew it was Keito. But why was he so mad? He never heard Keito shout before. He used to be so soft for a guy.  
He was about to go inside to try easing the tension, his hand on the knob, but he was stopped when someone held him on his shoulder. He looked back and saw his coach.  
“Don’t come in, Chinen-kun. Yama won’t speak up if there are other people around him. Besides, you might find answers here for your questions or worries.”  
He then remembered that night when Yamada talked about his ex-boyfriend. He did not say anything when they were walking with the other members, but when he was alone with him he was able to open up.   
“The tournament is next week, Yamada! You already skipped last week’s trainings and now you still have the guts to come here and tell me that you can’t make it again as if the tournament is nothing to you! Yamada, we made a deal to make this last tournament worth remembering. Or maybe you’re deliberately sabotaging the training just to make yourself stand out at the end because you know to yourself that even without the training you can still give your very best in the tournament. But what about those people who are trying so hard just to win the tournament? What about—“  
“What’s with you, Keito?” Yamada scoffed, which obviously mocked Keito. “You kept on grumbling on your own! Just let me go today. I am not asking too much.”  
“No, Yamada! You’re asking too much! And that one week you weren’t around without the reason why was more than too much! Yamada, we’re a team here, so we all have to work hard together! What were you exactly doing last week, huh?!”  
“I was out most of the time last week because, goddamn it, I was working on my university requirements! You have to understand—oh, wait—how can you even understand my situation when you know yourself you don’t even have plans after high—“  
Chinen jumped a bit when he heard a loud thud from inside. He wanted to barge in. He wanted to stop them from fighting. But at the same time, he had to place himself to where he should be.  
He had to admit that this was the first time he heard Yamada talking so harsh. Yes, they cursed each other a lot, but he never thought that he was the type who would say something so harsh to his closest friend.   
“Don’t make a fool out of me, Yamada.”  
“This conversation is over, Keito. I don’t see—“  
“If you fucking leave that fucking door, you’re fucking through, Yamada—fucking through with this team!”  
Chinen’s heart jumped out from his chest as he felt more scared. He was mentally praying that Yamada would not leave and just fix things with Keito. He knew the team needed Yamada. He was the ace after all and many from their team looked up at him and depended on him.  
“What else do you want, Keito, huh?! I already told you, didn’t I?!”  
“Then explain to me those few times I saw you together with Dai-chan leaving the school before training! Explain to me why you are still spending time with someone who left you for someone new! Yamada, we both talked about this! You told me you’d stop chasing him! You told me you’d stop talking to him and even seeing him after the closure! You told me that because you promised Chinen-kun that you’d stop!”  
Outside the room was a surprised Chinen who had his eyes and mouth wide opened because of the revelation he heard. His breath was hitching as his throat was starting to tighten because of the tears he was trying to suppress. He felt his heart ripped into pieces. He wanted to crumble. He wanted to cry. Because he was so stupid to believe in Yamada’s promise. He was so stupid to think that Yamada would act on his words. At the end, Yamada still could not resist the man who left him. That just proved that he had not really moved on yet.   
“I can’t, Keito! I can’t put an end at everything! There was never a closure! I lied! I lied to Chinen, to you! But I swear, I was almost there in completely letting him go, but the moment I saw his face, I just realized I couldn’t do it at all! I thought I’ve moved on, but I realized I was just deceiving myself because the moment I saw him again, I felt that I still love him! I felt that it’s still him I want to be with! I still want him, Keito!”  
No comeback was heard as the atmosphere turned silent.   
“I’m sorry, Keito, but I never wanted to hurt anyone by lying.”  
Chinen’s grip against the knob was shaking, as well as his entire figure, as his eyes cried out all the pain he was feeling inside him. Was that the feeling of being betrayed? Was that the feeling of being lied to? Was that the feeling of disappointment after expecting so much? God, he swore he did not like how painful it felt, but he was already feeling it and he did not know what to do and how to save himself from the unbearable agony he caused himself.   
“Fuck...” he murmured, his breath hitching, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...” He went on as his free hand was clenched, his nails slowly leaving shallow wounds on his palm.  
Suddenly, the door opened and his hand fell on his side which he clenched immediately after.  
He knew who was in front of him, but he did not move an inch. He kept his head downcast, his body still shaking in madness, his eyes still crying, and his heart still breaking. He felt that Tanaka was leaving, giving them the space they needed.  
“Chii...” Yamada gasped.   
“You fix your mess, Yama-chan. Otherwise, before you know it, you’ll lose grasp again of what matters to you and see them being held by someone new and better.”   
Keito then left.  
Chinen heard laughter behind him and he knew that the other members were starting to arrive for their training. He needed a place where he could talk to Yamada privately, and he was lucky enough that Keito was very understanding.  
“Tanaka-sensei said we have to see him in the faculty first to discuss the upcoming tournament. Training will be after the meeting,” Keito lied to the other members that arrived.  
“Meeting? We just passed by Tanaka-sensei and he didn’t say anything.”  
“Just listen to me.”  
“But what about Chinen-kun and—“  
“Go, go, go!”  
And a little while, a deafening pregnant silence embraced them.   
“Chii... I’m sorry. I—“ Yamada started then sighed. “I know you deserve explanations and all, but I am afraid I won’t give that to you right now. I’ve had enough with Kei—“  
“Why?” Chinen interrupted him with a whisper and it was obvious in his voice that he was seething in madness.   
Yamada cleared his throat. “I...I have to go.”  
“Why?”  
“Chinen, please.”  
“Is it because you’re going to see him that’s why you’re dying to leave now?”  
“Stop.”  
“No, Yamada. You tell me!”  
“Yes! Yes, I am dying to skip this training because, yes, I am going to see him! Are you happy now?!”  
“How—why did you promise me that you’d never see him again nor even talk to him? Why did you lie to me about your closure?” Chinen’s voice was soft at the beginning, but he was too mad to keep his composure anymore. He snapped his head up to look madly in Yamada’s eyes and shouted, “Why?! Fucking why, Yamada?! I trusted you!”  
His clenched fists were trembling even more as he tried to project all his anger to them. He was too hurt to even feel the stinging shallow wounds on his palms.  
He did not care anymore if he was a mess in front of him. He did not care about anything at all but to know the reasons why he deserved to be hurt like that, why he had to be betrayed by someone he thought would be less likely to do such thing.   
“I swear it wasn’t my intention to lie to you, Chii! I tried...I tried to do it. I tried to end it, but I didn’t understand the moment I saw him again I just couldn’t hold back anymore and just admitted to myself that I still love him. Chii, I thought I was over him. I thought. But I was wrong.”   
“Yamada, you’re the stupidest person I ever met! You keep on chasing someone that you know will just hurt you over and over again! You’re like a kid who is stealing a toy you once owned, not thinking you didn’t even own it anymore! Yamada, you have to grow up! You have to move on because—damn it—you’ve been punched in the face million times that the person you are running after is already happy with someone else, and there you are still being blinded that you’re the only one holding on, that it is you who keeps killing your own self because of your stupidi—“  
He came to a halt when he felt his world shake in a millisecond as his cheek were starting to sting. Yamada just backhanded him on his face and he felt his world shaken for a millisecond. His vision blackened and his hearing became impaired for a second. After gathering himself together again, he looked at Yamada with both fear and anger. He knew himself he went too far, but he was so mad and so hurt he could not even care about the words coming out from his mouth.   
And what hurt him more was that regret was not even visible in Yamada’s eyes after hitting him.  
“You’re just my friend, Chinen! And I don’t see your rights to tell me those things because you don’t know what I’m feeling! You don’t know the phase I am going through! You know nothing, so you don’t have the rights to lecture me about what I should do with my life because I never give comments about yours! I already said I was sorry, didn’t I?! So what else more do you want?!”  
“Because you didn’t tell me what’s going on, so how can I understand you and that fucking stupid phase you’re saying you’re going through?!” He took a deep breath as his hands itched to hurt the stupidest person in front of him.   
So, he was just a friend to him who had no rights to give comment about his life. But Yamada was his friend, so he did not also have any rights to hurt him like that. He got Yamada’s point, but it was so unfair for him.   
Before, Yamada told him it would be better if he would be that someone who could fix and love him again, but it seemed like he was just lying after all. Because if Yamada wanted that someone to be him, he should realize that everything he said was all intended to fix him again. Because he knew, and he felt it, that letting Yamada to dwell on his past would never mean fixing him rather he would just break himself over and over again.  
“Chii, you’re my friend, but that doesn’t mean you have to know everything about my life! You can’t do anything if I keep secrets! You can’t do anything if there are things I don’t want to tell you because, just to remind you, this is my fucking life! And I’d still go on living the life I wanted even if you’re around or not!”  
He was indeed lost in words as the pain in his chest was killing him. He could hardly breathe because of the growing lump in his throat. His eyes were like mad seas. He really wanted to hit Yamada in the face because he could not even understand what he was feeling. Not because he could not find the words, but it was just because he did not even know what to name what he was feeling at the moment. It was not just anger. It was not just pain. But a lot of mixed feelings he could not name at all or if there were even words invented for his feelings. He was feeling too much and he did not know what to do. He knew he was at fault. He went over the belt. He expected so much from the friendship Yamada offered him and at the end he was just proven he was just a friend that would not even matter if he was present or not. With the weeks they got to know each other, he realized it was not still enough. He was stupid as well—so stupid to expect a lot from Yamada, so stupid to treat him as a big part of his life, and so stupid to believe in their just friendship.  
“Chii...” Yamada’s voice was suddenly shaking. Chinen’s silence made him realize all the words he said and the visible red mark on the younger’s cheek made him realize of what he did. He was also too mad that he just let all the things he never really meant to come out from his mouth.   
He tried to reach Chinen’s hand, but he failed because before he could even reach him and before he could even apologize and take all his words back, Chinen already pushed him on his chest. It was so hard he could still feel the mark and the pressure from Chinen’s hands on his chest slowly penetrating through his skin until he felt his heart shatter.   
“You know what, Yamada, this time I mean this—fuck you. Fuck you because you made me a fool! I hate you! Fuck you! And I mean it!” Chinen’s voice was almost like a whisper, but it was still audible enough for Yamada to feel how mad he was and how much he hurt him. “This is the time for you to realize what hate is and what causes it. It’s not just the difference, Yamada. Sometimes we cause it. And you hurt me and betrayed me. And I hate you for that. And you are the cause why I am hating you so much right now.”  
“Chii, I’m so—“  
“No, Yamada.” Chinen held up his trembling index finger when Yamada tried to come near him. “You’re not sorry at all. You don’t feel sorry to someone you consider your just friend. Ah, wait—” he scoffed, a broken one, “—we are not even friends.”   
He then ran away, hearing a loud thud from where Yamada was, but he did not look back again to know what the loud thud was.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chinen met the most arrogant, yet funniest senior teammate in the soccer team, Yamada. There starts their up and down friendship that might develop into something more exciting.

Chinen wondered when was the last time he had so much peace in his life since Yamada came into his life.   
It felt so long for him...like years, but it was not. It was just three months ago when Yamada came in his life and made it a mess. Mess and turned it to a ruin. His life was supposed to get back to normal because he did not have someone who would annoy him all the time and he did not have someone to curse anymore, but he was wrong. He was ruined...and he was devastated. He never expected that the fucking fake friendship would turn him into what he was right now. Although some things just came back to normal like how he was back to that newbie in the team who barely talked to anyone and just watched the other members making fool on themselves as they messed around, but being ruined was not normal. It was so hard and so painful to go on every day seeing the person who ruined him but had to act as if nothing happened from the start, as if they never met, as if they never had those moments they spent together...everything— everything just turned to nothing.  
He could not understand or comprehend, even. Life was so much better even before Yamada came, but he felt like he could not even be better without Yamada as if he owed his entire existence to him when in fact it was not supposed to be like that. It was as if his living daylights were knocked off without the real presence of Yamada his heart and body already got used to.

The tournament was coming—four more days—and Chinen could not tell if they were all still in shape to compete. Few changes happened. No, not their training routines. Not even their training schedule. Not even their coach. It was more on the atmosphere, the relationship of the specific three members, or technically the relationships within the team.   
Ever since the fight, which the other members did not know, the atmosphere had been cold and intense and at the same time gloomy. That was the first time they saw Yamada so quiet and was not annoying anyone, especially Chinen. But to everyone, it was still more surprising to see the awkwardness between Yamada and Chinen who used to be the reason why their training was covered by their irrational and juvenile quarrels and cursing but fun. Yamada was not just the ace but also the comedienne in the team, so considering that he was acting differently, everyone seemed pretty affected by the drastic changes. A quiet Yamada meant a quiet team. And the silence was not peaceful and comforting at all. The others were just getting more and more confused as Yamada, Chinen, and Keito went on ignoring each other. And worse was their training performances were affected, too. There were times they were too preoccupied to perform well in the game which was certainly a problem for the team especially the tournament was coming near.  
Also, their conversations were just mostly during the game especially when to go up and down in the field for offense and defense, and few more conversations within the team for the sake of the game, but after that, everyone was in their own business.   
“Did you and Chinen-kun fight?” One of the members, Miyajima, asked.   
“Don’t ask anymore, Miyajima,” Yabu said.  
“But how can we work as a team if we are left with confusion? We need to know what’s happening because everyone’s affected!”  
“Have someone to entertain you, Miyajima,” Yamada snapped before he drank his water.  
“Seriously, Yamada, what’s wrong? You can tell us! We’re a team, right?!”  
“And so what if we’re a team? Not all the things in life have to be told just to save a relationship. If you’re really worried about this team, then just shut up!”  
Miyajima jumped on him and punched him in the face, which alarmed the rest, but too bad Yamada was able to dodge as the two of them fell on the ground, but Miyajima got up quickly and was aiming for Yamada again.   
“Oi!” shouted Tanaka, “You are all pain in the ass, do you even know that?!”  
Yabu, Hikaru, and Tanaka rushed toward the two and separated them. Tanaka was holding Miyajima and Yabu and Hikaru were handling Yamada.  
“Snap it out, you two! Stop now!”  
But Miyajima was too furious to listen.  
“They are really right about you, Yamada! You only think about yourself! You don’t even care about this team because all that matters is you. We’re just backups for you, right? You know yourself you can win any game because of your own performance. You’ll just need us to lift yourself more. Because you’re the best here! You think you’re the best, but you don’t even see that you’re also a jerk!”  
Chinen on the other hand was behind the commotion, immobile. He was looking downcast and his eyes were shedding tears again. He did not want to involve himself to their fight. It just hurt him every day. Seeing things crumble down before him was too much for his weak self to handle.   
“You don’t have any rights to say that to me, Miyajima! You don’t know a thing about me, so I don’t deserve hearing all of those from you! Stop making yourself so perfect here! If I am the jerk, you’re the jerkiest! You keep on complaining about other people, but you don’t even try looking at yourself in the mirror! Wasn’t it you who kept bragging just because you were able to goal three times during our last competition? Wasn’t it you who lift yourself to other people and didn’t even notice the effort the other members exerted to win that game?! You were too blind to see others because you felt like you were on top! When in fact you just goaled three times! You wouldn’t be able to do that without the others!”  
“Omae!” Miyajima was able to escape from Tanaka’s arms and came to attack Yamada again who also escaped from Yabu and Hikaru to attack the other. Yamada was then being straddled by Miyajima.  
Everyone was shouting at them to stop it already and Chinen was still there behind them, not doing anything. He should just run away, but it seemed like he was nailed on his spot. And he knew why. Because he was worried for everyone. And he was most worried for Yamada. Yes, he hated him so much for what he did and he was still hurting, but it would take time for him to get over with how much he considered Yamada a part of his life.   
However, the commotion suddenly turned into a halt as everyone was silent.  
Chinen wiped his tears and then looked up.   
“Didn’t I say stop?!” Tanaka shouted and then punched both Miyajima and Yamada in the face. He breathed heavily and fell on the ground. “Is this even what you call a team?!”  
Everyone seemed to start calming down when Tanaka finally snapped at them. Silence erupted and all that could be heard was their heavy breathings.   
When everyone was finally calm, Tanaka broke the silence and said, calmly but his voice was obviously shaking, “There are really times in our lives we are going to encounter things that will shake us up, that will cause changes in our lives. We will go through phases we think we can’t survive. But, that’s life. It’s not perfect and not even fair. But there are also other things happening in our lives aside from the phases we’re going through and we should not let those phases get into the other things, the other priorities. It doesn’t mean you have to forget it without solving it. What I’m trying to say here is you should know how to separate specific matters from other matters. It’s hard, I know. Especially for the three of you Yamada, Keito, and... Chinen?”  
Everyone looked around and when they saw Chinen behind them, they moved to the side for Tanaka to see him better. And Chinen just wanted to run away when his presence was acknowledged.  
“If the three of you will keep messing your own trainings and will just let personal matters affect you and your performances to the point it’s affecting the team, let me remind you that there are other members in the team who deserve your positions more. You’ve been under me, Yama and Keito, since you were in first year. Chinen is the latest member. And I know how all of you play in the field. I really believe that the three of you deserve your positions and will give a great result to the game, but if you’re going to go on like that, not thinking about other people and this team, I will be forced to change players. It doesn’t matter who trains the longest or not, but I’ll do it if you keep being like that. I cannot let your personal issues get in the way and ruin this team.”  
Chinen’s eyes widened. Murmurs, “Sensei—“  
“If you can’t deal with your own matters, I wonder if you really understand this team and what we’re aiming for. Separate this ball game to your personal matters if you don’t want to be asked about it! Is that clear?!”  
“Clear!” the rest shouted except the three.   
“Yamada, Chinen, Keito, is that clear?!”  
The three of them nodded and said quietly, “Clear...”  
“Training’s over!” Tanaka said and then left.   
The other members also went to their locker room to change, but Yabu and Hikaru were left. The three members in quarrel were not even moving from their spot.   
“We hope you guys won’t ignore what sensei said earlier. I admit this is all in bad-timing, but you guys have to remember that we’re a team. And a team is like a nervous system that if one doesn’t function well, the rest won’t,” Yabu said and left with Hikaru.   
“Chii...I’m so—”  
“I need to change now,” he cut him off and turned away.   
“Just a moment, Chii...please,” he begged as he stood.  
“I know you have things to say, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to give you the chance or even a moment to hear any from your lies again. I’ve had enough of it, Yamada,” Chinen said, sourly, just like what Yamada told him before. He then ran away and did not mind Yamada calling him over and over again.   
“Don’t run after me,” he mumbled to himself. But then he heard footsteps following him.   
“Yamada, stop!”   
Chinen heard Keito shouted, and he was thankful.  
“Look what you’re doing right now, Yamada! Do you really like running after someone?! Why not just give Chinen-kun the space he needed after what you’ve done and what you’re still doing?!”  
Chinen ran even faster after what Keito told Yamada and just went on until he reached the restroom at the ground floor of their school building, not caring to hear more of Yamada and Keito’s argument. He locked himself inside and slowly slid down on the ground, his breathing was fast and so was the beating of his heart.   
“Kuso, kuso, kuso, kuso!” he repeatedly mumbled, throwing his hands on his face while tears were still cascading.  
He honestly wanted to hear Yamada’s side of things. He actually did not mean to throw those words back to him because he had been really dying to hear him, to hear what he wanted to say, and what he wanted to apologize for. After all, he deserved explanations just like what Yamada said before. He was the victim himself. But he was not really ready yet to hear his explanations especially if it was just going to hurt him more. He was not the type to rub salt on his wounds. He would not tolerate the pain because at first he knew he could not. He was weak and weaker when it came to Yamada. Who would not right? Because people tend to be weaker when it comes to the person their heart desires.   
He hated being in the shoe he was put into. He wanted to be strong for his own, but he just got weaker and weaker because he was dealing with Yamada, the one he loved. He did not know how he could fight more or if he still have a little more strength to push Yamada away. But he was hurt—no, if there was even words invented to describe the extreme pain he was feeling that was already beyond that, that would be it. And at the same time he was hurting, he was missing him, too. He could not understand, but Yamada indeed made him feel different compared to Ryutaro. He was not actually expecting that Yamada would like him back especially when he knew that he was still in love with Daiki, but he knew to himself he was longing for him. Not to be together, but longing for the physical Yamada. He missed it when Yamada was near because he always felt better, warmer, and safer with Yamada. And Yuto was right that different people would come to your life and would make you feel different, too. And Yamada surely outweighed.   
His thoughts came to a halt and so were his tears when he heard knocks on the door.  
“Is anybody inside?”  
He threw his hands to his mouth as his heart began to pound again. He did not want to be found in his situation. He was a mess.  
“Hello?”  
He remained quiet for a while before he leaned on the door to check if the guy was still outside and when he heard his footsteps were vanishing, he took a deep sigh of relief.   
His head dropped as he messed his hair.   
“I look so stupid,” he mumbled and laughed lightly at himself. “Yuri, you’re such a stupid person.”  
He got up on his own feet and walked to the sink to wash his face. But before he could even do that, the door of the restroom barged open. His head snapped up and saw Yuto holding the key with a guy behind him. Probably the one calling out if someone was inside earlier.   
“Chinen?!”  
Chinen averted his gaze, ashamed that Yuto was seeing him in that same state again.  
“Leave us for now,” Yuto said to his company, “I’ll handle this. Just use the restroom at the second floor.”  
The guy nodded and bowed before he left.   
Yuto went inside. He grabbed the cleaning time signage and hung it on the door outside before he locked both of them inside to avoid any intrusion.  
“What’s this all about now, Chii?” Yuto’s voice was soft. Chinen knew Yuto had been telling him to stop being so stupid crying over a stupid guy over and over again, but how could he even stop when he was still hurting? He knew Yuto just wanted the best for him, but it was not yet the right time to be at his best state and just forget everything.   
Chinen sniffed. “I’m sorry you have to see me again like this,” he said in his broken voice, on the verge of crying once again. He pressed his lips and sniffed over and over again so his tears would not come out. “I just couldn’t help it.”  
Yuto jumped and sat on the sink. “Chii...”  
Chinen tried to smile and then washed his face because the look on Yuto’s eyes triggered his tears to escape from his eyes. He washed his face over and over again, and Yuto remained on his side.   
When he was done, Yuto offered him his handkerchief.   
“Thank you.” He wiped his face for a while and just let the handkerchief stay covering his face as he talked, “Yama-chan wanted to talk to me awhile ago, but I didn’t give him the chance. I rather threw his words to me before back to him. And I...” He sighed as he felt the sting in his eyes again and the lump was growing in his throat.   
“And you regretted it?”   
He nodded. “I am still regretting it. I let the chance to slip away. I’ve always wanted to hear his side, you know that, and—” he stopped when a sob escaped his mouth, “—and when it was there, I threw it away. I’m really stupid, right? I said I am not going to cause pain to myself, but now I realized that I am the one hurting myself.”  
“I think you just made the right choice.”  
Slowly, he removed the handkerchief on his face and then looked at Yuto, frowning.  
“Do you think you’re ready to hear what he wanted to say? I know going clear with what happened will put you at ease, but are you ready to get hurt again? Chii, I’m your best friend and I can’t stand to see you hurting yourself over and over again.”   
“I-I don’t know what to do anymore, Yutti... I know I’ll just get hurt if I talk to him, but I really miss him...”  
Yuto sighed and went over to encapsulate him in his arms. “You only know what’s best for you, so you do what you think will help you. If you think you’re ready to talk to him again, then go and talk to him. Whatever your decision may be, I’m always right on your back, okay? And whatever the result is, you know where you can find me.”  
He tried to smile.   
Silence occurred for a while.  
Yuto let out a heavy sigh as he pulled away, “That stupid soccer boy is really stupid. I know he wants to make up with you just as how badly you want this to end. I believe it will take quite a time before he realizes he’s being stupid. Believe me, Chii, I’ve been feeling something towards his actions to you and how he treats you. I don’t want to conclude yet, but I’m seeing his actions. And I think things will be better eventually. Just give each other time.”  
“This time, I really only think of making up with him—that’s all I really want for now.”  
Yuto beamed at him, slightly nodding. “Tomorrow is half day. Ryu-tan told me he reserved a court to play soccer tomorrow. Maybe you can wind up there.”  
“That would be perfect. But, can we go at noon? We have a meeting tomorrow for the upcoming tournament and just a game for fun.”  
“Fine with me since I still need to finish few things in the council for the tournament on Saturday. And Ryu-chan will be here, too, because his girlfriend has errands to run in her club. We’ll meet by the gate, okay?”

 

Since the fight, the training had been a torture for Chinen. It always had been, but this time it was both physically and emotionally torturing him. He had to see Yamada and had to pretend they were strangers. He had to pretend he did not miss him at all when in fact he kept secretly looking at him when he knew he had the chance. But this time, since Tanaka lectured them, he, Keito, and Yamada were performing better. And Tanaka told him he was really pleased to see them back to their shape to train for the tournament.   
“Otsukaresama deshita,” Yamada shouted and hurried to leave.  
Chinen watched him until he was no longer in sight, but he kept his gaze as if he could still see him. And then he sighed before he grabbed his training bag and took his leave as well. He was proven he was not yet ready to talk to him. And he guessed that Yamada in a hurry like that meant he was going to see someone he could not go on a day not seeing.   
He sighed again as he tried to pick up the broken pieces of his heart.  
He left after he bid his goodbye. And while he was walking along the corridor, he heard loud voices coming from the boys’ restroom. He did not want to eavesdrop to be honest, but he heard a name that made him glued on his spot. And although he really did not know who it was, he had a clue just by listening to what he was saying.   
He ran away, tears almost spilling out from his eyes.  
“You okay?” Yuto asked when he saw him in his state.  
He chewed his inner cheek. “Y-yeah. Someone is just trying to make fun of Ya-yama-chan.”  
Yuto looked at him in a meaningful way.   
He looked away. “Where’s your girlfriend, Ryutaro-kun? Going alone?”  
“Yeah. She couldn’t make it. She’s having lunch with her folks. You okay, Chii?”  
He nodded.  
“Mouuuu.” Yuto whined, flailing his arms on his sides. “I thought the four of us could have fun!”  
“The three of us could still have fun, right?” Ryutaro said as he wrapped an arm around Chinen, patting him on his back like telling him everything would be alright in whatever was bothering him at the moment.   
“You better play well even if you don’t have your number one fan with you, okay?” Yuto said, nudging Ryutaro. “You know what, you’ve never been that clingy to me when we know each other longer.”  
“Because Chinen-kun is just too cute and he’s like my little brother. And you’re taller and putting my arm on your shoulders would be a pain and it will look disgusting to be seen clinging with you.”  
“That’s you to me. You keep on bullying me.”  
“Friends bully each other.”  
Chinen beamed at them.

Arriving at the rent place for futsal courts, a problem occurred to them. The court that Ryutaro rented three days ago was occupied by someone else.   
“I don’t understand what’s happening. I am sure I got the time right, so how come others could get the court I reserved three days ago? What the hell is this?!”  
“Aren’t you with those guys in there?” asked the man at the front desk.  
“We’re not! It’s just really the three of us!”  
The staff held up a finger as he made a call, perhaps to the manager to solve the problem.   
“I’m sorry, sir, but the court supposed to be yours was reserved first. We wanted to give you another court, but the three courts here are all occupied. One court would be open three hours after.”  
“Are you asking us to rot ourselves here until 3’o clock?” Yuto protested, obviously getting irritated as well because of the lack of system in that rent place.   
“If someone got the reservation earlier than us, then why would you give us this time?! You should have just told us you are jam-packed at this hour of time!”  
“Getting so pissed wouldn’t solve anything,” Chinen interrupted, finally breaking off from his odd silence since they left the school. “Whose name the court supposed to be ours was under?”  
“Yamada Ryosuke.”  
Chinen’s eyes widened as he felt the tug in his heart. He did not know if he should just get mad or let it go because he still could not get over from what he heard from the boys’ restroom. But he understood that Yamada was being unfair. He might have used his name to get the court for himself and that thought alone irritated him.  
“Yamada is someone I know. Can I go inside and talk to him for a while?”   
Ryutaro held his clenched fist, holding him back from going in. “Chii, it’s fine. Let’s just leave and look for a proper rent place.”  
Chinen yanked his hand away. “No. I’m going to that fucker.”  
“Chii!” Yuto called, but Chinen already marched heavily inside.  
Getting inside, Chinen thanked God for the perfect timing they were still preparing. But as he was walking to look for Yamada, his heart was pounding in his ears and he could feel the lump at the back of his throat. That was a brave thing for him to do—walking into their game—though the truth was he wanted to walk back. However, he already got the attention of Yamada’s companions and they were weirdly looking at him as if they wanted him to be killed just by their looks. He wanted to beat himself for showing off a brave face, but he wanted to kill himself for his own cowardice. He actually had nothing in mind to tell Yamada. He was just causing himself his own embarrassment. He could not just tell him what he heard a while ago because he knew he would not believe him. Damn the poor lad was crazily in love to believe anyone but him and his man who happened to be his ex!  
Being able to walk past the pairs of eyes killing him, he sighted Yamada walking toward the bench, seated next to someone he never met, with a wide smile as he accepted the water given to him. He envied Yamada. He was happy. He was smiling while he was in agony for having a one-sided love.  
He took a deep inhale and silently exhaled. He gathered all his shit together and walked over to them. “Excuse me, but can I have a moment with Yamada-san?”  
It was obvious to see how shocked Yamada was upon seeing Chinen in front of him. It took him a while to get some of his senses back, all thanks to the guy next to him.   
Yamada immediately stood as he gulped hard. “I—ugh... Ch-Chinen, y-you’re here,” he said while wiping both his hands on his training shorts. He then looked down on his company. “Chotto ne, Dai-chan.”  
And there Chinen was regretting. He should have just acted on his cowardice and just walked back, not minding the attentions he got and stopped pretending to be brave. He was too mad that he just wanted to face Yamada and beat the crap out of him, but deep within him, he knew he could not do that. No matter how mad he was, he could not hurt him. But look at the result he put himself into. He was again causing the unbearable pain to himself. He was so, so stupid.   
Stupid stupid stupid.   
But he was not alone. Yamada was stupid himself. Because he was still crazing over someone he did not even own anymore. They were both so stupid—so stupid to knowingly face their death themselves.  
He looked up at Yamada as he swallowed the tears in his throat. No, he would not cry. He would not cry again in front of him. That would just make him the most stupid and he never wanted that.  
“I don’t want to make this long and be here longer. We got the reservation first, at this time, days ago. What are you doing here?”  
“We got the reservation first. I reserved this a week ago.”  
Chinen scoffed. “Oh really? I may not be as rich as you and may not have the money to have this court all by myself whenever I want, that with just a single swipe from my card and single mention of my surname I can get everything I want without even minding those people who are doing things fairly. But I am not stupid, Yamada. I am not yet stupid enough not to know how you manipulate people by your family’s background and socioeconomic status. I don’t care who you are, but we have the rights to have this court for us because we properly reserved this.”  
His voice was very sour and he even noticed how Yamada was flinching as he talked kind of rudely. He knew he was mad and went over the belt again. He wanted to apologize and take everything he said but Daiki made his appearance in the climax of their drama.  
“Ano...” Daiki interrupted. He turned to face Chinen. “I don’t think it’s kind for you to say those things to him.”  
He immediately felt the acid in his gut boiling when he heard Daiki’s voice, both for the fact it was his voice and for the face he had already heard the same voice. “Really? I don’t think it’s also kind for this guy to use his name to have this court.”  
Yamada cleared his throat and looked calmly at Chinen. “Okay. The court is yours.”  
He was kind of taken aback on how easily Yamada gave it up for them and he did not even argue with him. It obviously hurt both his ego and hurt, but most especially his heart. He was sure he was not fighting back because he was with the man he was crazing over.  
“Don’t worry about the court anymore, Chii.” Ryutaro said, walking toward them and Yuto tailing behind him. “A friend of mine invited me to play in the soccer field just near—“  
“Morimoto-kun?” One from Yamada’s companions said, the rest approaching them by the bench.  
Ryutaro looked behind him, frowning. “Ha—hai?”  
“You’re really Morimoto-kun! It’s been a while!”  
“Morimoto?” The other guy asked. “You mean that guy from middle school who was so good in dribbling?”  
“Yes, it’s him!”  
Ryutaro’s face turned pale as he gulped. “Let’s go, Chii. They are waiting—“  
“Why don’t we have a match? My friends can team-up with you.” Yamada challenged, his eyes darkened.  
Ryutaro’s face hardened. “Thanks, but no thanks.” He then grabbed Chinen’s hand. “I have better things to do than being with you.”  
“Why not, Morimoto-kun?”  
“You’re not worthy of my time.”  
Chinen who was just so mad turned confused. He knew Yamada and Ryutaro had been not in good terms, but the way they talked at that moment just kind of gave off a feeling that they had a past. He looked at Yuto who looked back at him. He frowned because Yuto did not seem scared or even alarmed at the approaching war between the two.   
“It’s time for Ryu-chan to face what he has been hiding from since middle school.”  
Chinen frowned harder.  
Yuto was about to answer him, but Yamada talked. “At first, I was wondering why you were acting so mad at me as if I did something wrong for you to get mad. Now, I understand why. It’s because of that practice game in middle school. Are you mad at me for stealing all your dribbles? Why not move on now? I think it’s been so long for you to still cling on that bitter memory. That was already in middle school. I am sure you can show better now.”  
Yuto pulled Chinen behind him and faced Yamada, his face hard, his jaw tensed, and his eyes mad. “You’re still as arrogant as before, Yamada-senpai.”  
Yamada sniggered, ignoring what Yuto said. “Your friend here can’t even move on from something that happened in middle school. He still couldn’t accept his defeat and he is still so trapped in that bitter memory. He is too engrossed in what happened that he didn’t even realize he is not moving forward. It was just a game. And if you’re mad at me just because you lost to me, then I am not sorry for that. But I am sorry for your immaturity and—“  
Yamada was stopped because Chinen already broke the walls in front of him and attacked to push him hard on his chest, surprising both Yuto and Ryutaro who were almost thrown on the side. Good thing Daiki— Yamada’s known saviour in which Chinen interpreted sarcastically— caught Yamada and he was looking at him madly. He did not know what to feel. He was mad. He was hurt. He was jealous. And when those three mixed together, he did not know what he could do. He could not even think straight.  
However, he understood what was happening. Yamada was the guy who traumatized Ryutaro from playing soccer again. Not that Yamada was responsible for it, but he just really caused too much trauma to Ryutaro that he never played again.   
“You don’t know what Ryutaro-kun is going through and what he is feeling! And don’t you dare lecture him about moving on when you yourself don’t even know how to do it!” He was breathing so hard and his face was obviously flushed due to his anger.  
“You’re already too much,” Daiki shouted as he pushed Chinen.  
Chinen stumbled, but he was glad he was able to balance himself. “You don’t know anything for you to meddle, senpai!”  
Yamada grabbed Daiki’s arm and pulled him closer to him. “Let it go, Dai-chan. It’s fine.”  
“No! Nothing’s fine here, Ryosuke! That guy is already over the belt! He’s talking shit about you when he knows nothing about you!”  
Chinen secretly pinched himself so his tears would not fall. Yuto tugged his hand, but he brushed it off, telling him that he would not go anywhere until he was done.   
“You also know nothing about what is happening!”  
“Of course I know everything!”  
Chinen laughed a little, mentally hitting his head. He threw an arm on the air. Said, “Of course you’d know everything. I am so stupid to forget. Because he ran to you and told you everything, right? And that was the reason why you’re hanging out with him again when you know yourself you have a boyfriend now, right? You left him. You hurt him. And you came back in his life again because you know he needs you, because you pity him, right? That was your relationship all about since the beginning, right? You pity him that’s why you accepted his proposal! You took advantage of his brokenness! And when you were finally done dealing with his brokenness because you realized it wasn’t the relationship you wanted since the beginning, you left him and found someone else! Am I right?! And then he came to you again still broken and you just have such a soft heart for you to stay away from him. You pitied him again that’s why you’re back in his life. You can’t let go right now because you know he needs you. But you know to yourself you don’t even love him. You never do. You just feel responsible because he trusts you so much about his life, about his burdens. Am I right?!”  
“Chinen, enough!” Yamada shouted, standing in front of Daiki to protect him. “Throw all the insults to me, but Dai-chan has nothing to do with this!   
“You keep on covering up for him that you are already so blinded to see what he’s doing behind your back!”  
“You don’t know anything to accuse him anything!”  
“Fine! Keep being stupid! Let the same mistake happen to you again! Let him break you over and over again! I was so wrong about you, Yamada! You are being so stupid over the guy who hurt you and that is so beyond me!”  
He heavily marched away, Ryutaro and Yuto following him. And when he was finally out of that place, he fell on his knees and broke down, crying all the pain his heart had been feeling. When he could not even bear the pain, he started hitting his head with his clenched fists.   
Yuto and Ryutaro hurried to him, holding him back from hurting himself again.  
“Stop it, Chii!” Yuto shouted at him, but the smaller did not listen. “Stop it! Chinen! I said stop!”  
Chinen kept on struggling, but he failed. What he did was he started hitting his head on his knees. “Fuck!” He shouted over and over again. “I never wanted any of this!”  
“Chinen!”  
He stopped when suddenly Yuto held him tight and then pinned him down on the ground. He got scared for a while and he admitted that he banged his back a little hard on the ground, but no, he was not angry for that. He was rather thankful because he was awoken from his deliria.   
Yuto was so sorry he pulled Chinen up again and embraced him really tight. “I’m so, so, so sorry.”  
“Yuttiii!” He cried out and held on Yuto for his dear life. “I heard him, Yutti! That Daiki was talking with someone in the restroom and he said he couldn’t stay away from Yama-chan because Yama-chan needed him. He said that when Yama-chan is already okay, he’d stay away! And I hate him for that! He keeps on doing things that will also hurt Yama-chan over and over again! He keeps on leading him on! He doesn’t even realize that Yamada doesn’t deserve to be hurt anymore because he’d been hurt so many times, but him—he keeps on being selfish! He thought he is caring, but he is just hurting Yama-chan! I hate hiiim!”   
He knew himself he was stupid as well for wasting all his time to argue with someone who did not even care for him, with someone who could not even believe him, and with someone he just accidentally loved but would never look at him the same. He was stupid and he hated it. Because with his entire life had he never acted stupid about anything. He was so smart and so out of reach when it came to intelligence, so why was he being so stupid when it came to love and to someone he loved?   
He wanted to laugh at his poor self.   
He was so stupid.  
Stupider than Yamada.  
However, indeed, you become stupid when it comes to love.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chinen met the most arrogant, yet funniest senior teammate in the soccer team, Yamada. There starts their up and down friendship that might develop into something more exciting.

The tournament was over and their team lost to move on to the nationals. They got the second place but neither from them was blaming anyone. They did well. They showed their best to have the best game, but it was not just really meant for them to compete to the nationals. And it was fine. They gave their very best for the game, but it was not always as how they expected it to be. They had already accepted their defeat with all their hearts. It was not even yet the last time for them to play. Even to the seniors. Because if you are really passionate about something, you are unstoppable. Nothing can stop you from doing it. And for the record, Tanaka brought them to a nearby small burger shop as a thank you and even had the entire store all for them for working hard and for putting up with the ways he handled them all those years.  
“I guess this celebration will also serve as the sending-off party for our seniors,” Tanaka started, “Congratulations to all of you! You really showed a game I never expected! A lot happened to us, but I cannot thank you, guys, enough for being able to pull off such a memorable game for our seniors to bring!”  
Chinen admitted he was so moved and he could feel the tears welled up in his eyes. He sniffed them all back and tried to watch everyone having fun. They sure did go through quite a lot as a team and even as individuals, but they still remained a team at the end. Miyajima and Yamada already had a truce, as well as Yamada and Keito, as they were busy talking to each other at the other side of the long table alongside Keito and the other seniors, while Chinen was seated across them with the juniors. At the end, it just showed that their team was indeed not that easy to destroy, especially that every member shared the same commitment to one another.  
The tears he had been trying to suppress completely vanished, breaking off into a soft chuckle as he saw Yamada accidentally (or can be intentionally as well since he knew so much how playful the older could be) squirted the mustard toward Miyajima’s face. Yamada laughed out his stomach before he helped the other clean his face. The loud chatters persisted in which Chinen admitted one of the things he would miss, but as he watched Yamada and his silliness, the noise started to vanish into thin air. All he could hear was Yamada’s laughter or his voice, as his eyes could only see him. The smile on his face slowly faltered as he felt the utter sadness crept in his heart and up to his very bones. He felt heavy. He just felt the hole it would create and the loneliness and emptiness it would cause once Yamada was gone. Yamada was right since the beginning that he would be so sad on his departure. And he knew to himself Yamada was right again that he would be the one who would miss him the most and perhaps be the one to cry the most as well. That stupid guy had guessed a lot, but he wondered if he ever guessed about his feelings for him. The celebration might be the last time he would see him before his college. He would move to the city and he had no idea what to do. He was scared to leave things behind just as they were. He did not want that at all, to be honest. It had been days since the last time he actually talked to him and it was not even a good talk because they just argued. And that—he did not want that to be his last memory with and of him. He already realized that he was ready to hear his explanations because after that day at the futsal field, it was already clear for him that no matter what he would do, Yamada would just keep on chasing Daiki. And it was not already his obligation to stop him because he knew him. Yamada was an independent guy and he grew up knowing what was best for him, so if he thought being stupid chasing the same person who hurt him was the best choice he had, then he no longer had anything to say about it but to respect it. Besides if Yamada still loved Daiki, whatever he would say would be ineffective. Yamada would not even take his words into consideration because only he had the rights to decide for his own. And Chinen was already out of it.   
He did not want to make up with him because he longed for him, because he missed him. He wanted to make up with him because he totally wanted to end whatever they had. To end their fight. And to just end them—their friendship, if there was. Because as the days passed by, he had been thinking a lot about what he had to do. And he had decided that he would just totally let Yamada go. As in no connection at all. He wanted to get back to his life before he met him. However, he was and would be forever thankful for having him as his most annoying friend for a short time in his life and he would not really forget about those because he honestly had fun being with him. He wanted to move on to the life wherein everything between them was just a mere memory and when he remembered it, he would just laugh at his own stupidity and it would not even affect his life anymore. He wanted that so badly because he never wanted to be in the hell he created for himself anymore. He wanted to demolish it and get a new life. After all, he deserved it. And he knew for sure that Yamada deserved it, too. They both had surely caused great pain to each other and perhaps it was already the time for them to see the light once again and be happy with their own life—be happy with the life without the presence of each other. They did not have the kind of friendship that last for years. They just had few months of friendship that obviously did not last long enough just because of their own stupid decisions that actually created an even thicker barrier between the two of them. It might not be the kind of friendship that you might think not worthy of tears or not worth fighting for just because of the short time it was built. However, Chinen and Yamada’s friendship was not like that. Despite the short time they became friends, they had created such perfect memories they could cherish forever. They had known each other for them to be so affected with what was going on with their friendship. For others, it could be just a misunderstanding that one could just shrug off and let go, but since they both treasured each other more than anything, they were so affected with their issue. Besides, Yamada lied and Chinen felt betrayed. And both kept on hurting each other as time passed by. Chinen actually really wanted to keep the friendship and had it going for years and years, but that was something he could not foresee and could not control, especially that Yamada listened and believed no one but Daiki and himself. He would not go after him and kill himself over and over again. He would stop, despite the feelings he had for him. Besides, he believed that time could kill his feelings for him. That was why he wanted to make up with him and just end everything they shared together in a short while. Like what Yuto said before, one-sided love dies, especially when not reciprocated because it is not being taken good care of. So he knew for sure that his feelings for Yamada would just go as how his feelings for Ryutaro did.

“Are you fine as the way things are right now?” Keito asked as he sat next to Chinen when almost the rest were playing around.  
“What do you mean?”  
Keito nodded at him and then to Yamada who was still talking happily with Miyajima and the other members.  
“I thought it would be, but I am now looking for the time where we can finally talk.”  
Keito nodded. A moment of silence occurred before he proceeded, “This year is really a hell lot of fun. I am gonna miss this school, the team, and everyone. Although I am not sure if I’ll still be able to see Yama-chan after graduation.”  
He frowned. “What do you mean?”  
“Well, Yama-chan’s going to college and I’ll be handling my parents’ business. I don’t think we can see often.”   
“Time will decide for that. Best thing to do is for both of you to give your best in your separate ways.”  
Keito beamed, and then silence occurred again as they just watched the others, but Keito also broke it with a deep and loud sigh. “We’ll be graduating in two weeks. I still can’t believe it!”  
Chinen bowed, seated. “Otsukaresama deshita!”   
“Thank you, Chinen-kun,” he grinned. He then looked back to Yamada and saw he was still having fun talking with others. “You’re coming to the graduation, right?”  
“Yes. I cannot surely miss that.”  
“You better do, okay? Promise me that whatever happens, you will still come.”  
“W—why?”  
“Well, I heard from Yama-chan that his parents are not sure if they could go back on his graduation day. I guess the least thing I can do to make him feel better is to be sure you will be coming and will congratulate him, despite of what is happening between you two. This time, I want to see a happy Yama-chan on his graduation day.” He smiled. “Let me be honest with you, Chinen-kun. I’ve seen Yama-chan laugh a lot of times since I met him, but I’ve never seen him so happy whenever he was with you. I had seen him with Daiki a lot because I was the best third-wheel ever that was why I was as affected as Yama-chan when they broke up and hated Daiki for what he did. I’d also seen him with you since he came back for the training. And despite the short time, I really saw that Yama-chan was truly happy with you. You brought him a different kind of happiness that I never saw someone gave him. Please, don’t give up on Yama-chan, Chinen-kun. It may sound selfish for me to ask that, but you really changed Yama-chan. You may not see it, but I did and I still do.”  
Chinen was teary-eyed as he stood in front of Keito and bowed again. He could not search for the right words to response to what just Keito told about him. He was even starting to be confused especially when he had just decided to give up on Yamada but he was just asked by Keito to not give up on him. He asked himself if giving up on Yamada was actually what he really wanted or it was just his way of running away again.   
All this time he never thought he made Yamada happy. He was not a joker to begin with. He was not good with words nor was he even good at comforting him. If he would come to think of it, he never brought Yamada any better. They just existed to pester each other. But after what Keito told him, was he even really able to make Yamada feel that happiness? He wondered, but he hoped so he did.   
“I promise to be there, Keito-senpai!”

Days passed and the school was finally over and soon it would be the graduation for the seniors. Tanaka allowed the other members to attend the graduation of the senior players and Chinen was honestly one of the most excited and most pleased. He would be seeing Yamada graduating, but at the back of his mind, he was wondering if Yamada’s parents would be able come, if his parents would be there as he got up the stage. Besides, Keito said they were still not sure if they could make it. He prayed they could because that might be one of the happiest things that would happen to Yamada—to finally have his parents at his graduation day and witness all his hard work being paid off by a diploma and recognitions.  
He was actually wondering what he could buy to give Yamada as his graduation gift. He tried searching but everything was all girly plans and gifts that he knew Yamada would never like receiving. He was also thinking of giving the other seniors a gift just so he would not be obvious that he was giving Yamada a special treatment, but he did not really know what to give them and he was not sure if his allowance would be enough. At first, he thought of giving him a letter wherein everything he was feeling would be written in there, but he thought it was too old for it and he felt shy for his old-fashioned side to be exposed. He also thought of just treating him to a meal, but that would not really do because he did not know how he would be to be alone with him for a meal. They had not been spending time together since the fight, let alone talking. Everything was obviously awkward between them especially when a lot had happened along the way and he was even accused for accusing Daiki when he just said the truth, so he did not really know what was best to give. Yuto was already contented being treated as a present for his birthday, but he wanted to give something that Yamada would like, something he would treasure, and something he would not forget even if years and years would pass—a gift that he would be forever thankful for having it. It could be a material or it could also be not...  
And it was not!  
Finally realizing the best gift he could give to Yamada, he immediately grabbed his laptop under his bed and turned it on to have some searching that he really thought would make Yamada so happy on his graduation day, just like what Keito wanted to see, and also what he wanted to see for the last time. His heart was beating fast and he was uncertain, but he was praying so much to the gods that despite how stupid he was and with his decisions, they would give him the final chance he had to make Yamada happy, and to really do something for him this time. 

 

It was almost Yamada’s class’ turn to receive the diploma when Chinen arrived.   
He immediately went to where his teammates were seated and also saw Yuto on the other column with the other student council officers, giving him a smile.   
“Thank God you came! Keito had been texting us since the ceremony, asking where the hell were you. I don’t know what’s between you two, but I think I have to inform him now that you arrived,” Tanaka said.   
Chinen just grinned at his coach before he stretched his neck to see Yamada’s section was already lining up. He saw his back and just by seeing how slumped his shoulders were, he was saddened that his parents could not make it. But Chinen was there! The mighty Chinen that could make the tables turn. He even felt more and more excited.  
“Keito said you look for him near the stage.”  
He then extended his neck again to look where Keito was seated. When his eyes caught him, he waved at him and Keito mouthed a thank you to him, although he did not see it well.   
“Yamada Ryosuke,” their school dean called Yamada up.   
The audience applauded, the soccer team was louder. However, there was this certain applause that stood up, causing Yamada to look back while he was going up to the stage. His eyes widened and they immediately released tears. He actually did not want to go up to the stage anymore and just rather run down, but he was gestured to go on to the stage and receive his diploma.  
Chinen was grinning so widely as he saw Yamada stopped on his trance and his eyes just automatically zoomed in to his face and saw the tears and how wide he smiled. He was also in tears, but he stopped himself. He saw Keito looked at him, surprised.   
“Keito texted me again,” said Tanaka. “He said if you were the reason behind it...? What it, Chinen-kun?”  
“It’s nothing, sensei. Can you just tell him that it was the least thing I can do?”  
“Text him yourself!” said Tanaka, annoyed, as he handed his phone to Chinen. “Make sure not to explore my phone, or else you’ll see something you would not want to see!”

The ceremony ended. The school’s auditorium was starting to be less crowded as the audience was starting to leave. Chinen was still with Tanaka, waiting for the exit to be less crowded before they had their way out, and he could not just really let go of the smile he had on his face. He was the happiest, although he was not the one who graduated.   
He looked back to look at where he saw Yamada was seated, but he was already gone. He mentally gave himself a pat on his shoulder for a good work done, but the big smile he had on his face was starting to falter as he realized again that he would not see Yamada again. He was not able to congratulate him after the ceremony. He was not even able to talk things out with him for the last time, so the situation was an answer to what Keito asked him during the party: he really left things as they were. He wondered how long it would be to see Yamada again. Or if he even had the chance to see him again since he would be moving far—to the capital city. The probability was too low and he just felt bad as how much he felt bad he was not able to properly meet Yamada for the last time.   
“You okay, Chinen-kun?” Tanaka asked.  
“Am I stupid, Tanaka-sensei?”  
“Why are you asking me that?”  
“Well, you obviously know what happened between me and Yama-chan. He now graduated and would be moving far from here and I never gave him the chance to talk to me and fix things. Will I ever have the chance?”  
“I can’t say that’s being stupid. I think you’re just not yet ready that’s why you keep on pushing him away. And you will surely have the chance to talk things out with him. It may not be today, or tomo—“   
“Chii!”  
Chinen heard someone was calling him, but he was not sure if it was really him.   
“Chii!”  
There were many students in their school that had Chi in their names, so it might not be him.  
“I think someone’s calling you.”  
“I don’t think—“  
“Chinen Yuri!”  
“I think that’s really me!” He immediately stood up as he searched for the source of the voice, his heart was beating and his eyes were already shedding tears. He knew why, because he knew who was calling him. No one ever called him Chii but Yamada Ryosuke and his best friend, and it could not be Yuto because he already left even before the ceremony ended.   
The crowd at the exit subsided and Chinen finally had the clear view of Yamada. He was still far from where he was, but he was already recognizable enough for him.   
“I will be leaving you two now. I think you already got the chance you are asking for.”  
“Thank you, sensei,” he answered, but his eyes were still on Yamada who was jogging toward him. The closer Yamada got, the faster his heart beat. And when he was already in front of him, he tried to pull off a feigned grin.  
“I am so glad you are still here!” said Yamada, breathily.  
“You seem tired. Have you been running?”  
“Yes! I was trying to look for you everywhere. I got so overwhelmed about what you did for me that I failed to check up on you here first, otherwise I shouldn’t have ran so much I got tired like this!”  
Chinen was not saying anything as his feigned grin became a real one and wider. He watched Yamada turning redder because of exhaustion and the cold weather, looking so adorable, like a kid.  
“Did you really do that for me?”  
“What did I do?”  
“That! I came to the graduation knowing my parents couldn’t make it. I was surprised when I saw them when I was called up the stage. And then as we went out, I asked what made them attend my graduation...  
“My mom said there was this high school student with a tiny voice that kept contacting our company over and over again just for a lame request. Well, it was honestly a lame request if they didn’t know where you were coming from. I wanted to get mad at you for disclosing to them what I had told you about what I felt about myself and about them, but then it brought me better when you did. My parents did their best to come. They cancelled all meetings, even had to turn down an important future project from a big company just to be able to be here. They immediately booked a flight as soon as you told my father about me, had to scold his assistant to reserve a ticket immediately while you guys were still even talking...” Yamada paused, his eyes were still in awe at what Chinen did. “Just—how could you do such thing for me, Chii?”  
“It was the least thing I could do for you. I couldn’t think of a good graduation gift. I was actually thankful that Keito-senpai was able to mention to me about your parents not being sure if they could make it today. So, yes, I did this for you. Congratulations, Yama-chan!”   
Tears were visibly forming in Yamada’s eyes, his nose getting red. “But whyyyy? I—I did all the worst things to you, I hu—“   
“Ryosuke, your parents are already calling for you. You have to be in the airport as soon as possible, so you will not be late for your flight,” interrupted Daiki who surprised both Chinen and Yamada for his sudden appearance.   
Chinen just looked at him, not saying anything and not conveying anything through his facial expression. He was broken inside, that was something he could not even deny anymore. Just by hearing Daiki’s voice already hurt him so much, what else it could be when he saw him, let alone the fact that he was with Yamada and his parents. Right at that moment, he knew he would not be able to talk things out with Yamada and make up. He so much wanted to, but he guessed the timing was not perfect. When would be the timing be perfect? Perhaps when they meet again someday, and that he could not tell when. It might be months or even years, he did not know. Yamada would be moving really far. He was even unsure if they would be able to meet again. And it was because he let all the chances to slip away from him.  
‘Daiki, how much more can you ruin?’ said Chinen inside his head. Yes, that was how Daiki could affect him.  
“Can you go first, Dai-chan? I just have to talk to—“  
“No, Yama-chan. It’s fine. You should go now. I will be really sorry if the plane leaves you.”  
“But, Chii...”  
“It’s okay, Yama-chan. If you worry about what happened, everything is okay now, No worries.” He smiled, sweetly. His eyes were starting to sting because of the forming tears, but he tried so hard to hold them in for a while. “Thank you—just thank you for everything, for being a great friend even for a short time. I just wanna let you know I considered you a friend I could keep, but I guess that’s life. Nothing is guaranteed, even our friends, so thank you and I am really sorry for everything I’ve done to you. I hope to see you again.” He grinned at him—obviously a fake one as he gave Daiki a glance before he started to leave, walking past them.  
He meant everything he said to Yamada. Everything was really okay. He realized there was not a need to hear Yamada’s side of things anymore. They seemed okay without making up though. He was actually more than thankful that for the first time since the fight they were able to talk properly again without even quarrelling. Since Daiki was there and ruined all the chances he had, he just conveyed what he wanted Yamada to know in limited words. It was not actually everything he wanted to say but it was enough for him to assure him they were fine. He believed he could go on this time. Even without proper closure, their last meeting was enough to say that moving on was already necessary and was fine. He could finally start afresh without the only person who could annoy him big time, without the person who he could curse endlessly without taking it seriously, without the person who he considered his number one enemy, without the person who could make him laugh a lot even at his corniest and meaningless jokes, without the person who ever made him feel so different and who he loved so much and honestly turned him crazy, and what hurt him most was he would start afresh without Yamada himself, the person his body and heart craved for since he knew he was in love with him. However, he knew he would be able to get used to it. He had to. That was the purpose he was moving on after all.  
“Wait, Chii...”  
Chinen came to a halt, but he did not look back right away. He took a deep sigh to push his tears back behind his eyes before he did look back at them. He smiled again, but his tears failed him. They started falling on his face the moment he said: “Congratulations on your graduation, Yama-chan. Good bye.”  
He gave Yamada a final glance just to have a look at his face for the last time before he ran away as fast as he could, thankful enough that the exit was not crowded anymore, so he was able to go pass through it. He did hear Yamada called him again, but he knew he did not dare follow him. Besides, Daiki was there. He was always there to ruin everything.   
He finally said his good bye.   
It was a good bye to everything they had, although they will be kept in his memories. Yamada was a major happening in his life. He was a mixture of happiness and sadness in his life, but he was thankful. He learned a lot through their short friendship. Hence, rather than getting all bitter and emotional about how they ended, about how his feelings were never noticed or even acknowledged, he was still thankful for ever having Yamada for a short while in his life. After all, it was no lie that Yamada was really a good friend to him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chinen met the most arrogant, yet funniest senior teammate in the soccer team, Yamada. There starts their up and down friendship that might develop into something more exciting.

“Yuri, you will be late for your flight if you will keep slacking off!” Chinen’s mother shouted from the living room.  
“I’ll be down there soon, mom! Just for a while!”  
Inside Chinen’s room, he was actually starting to panic. He knew he slacked off big time and did not pack his stuff few days before his flight. He woke up late and had a short time to pack the things he had to bring, and he could not actually see where his checklist flew. He knew he still had some stuff unchecked from his list and they might be important for his survival when he started to live in Tokyo for his college, but it was missing.  
“Damn, Yuri!” he murmured to himself over and over again.   
Almost a month ago, Chinen graduated from high school. It was one of the saddest times of his life because, for the first time, he did not want to leave his school nor he even wanted to leave being a high school student. High school life was so much fun. It is said to be the happiest time of one’s life and he had to agree with that. His last year in high school was actually the most memorable for him because their soccer team championed the national competition. It was actually the game he would surely bring in his entire life. Their team had worked so hard together to finally achieve what they had been aiming for. It had been a decade since their school won in the national competition, so their batch really had brought so much pride to their school and to their team. It was obviously an achievement worth keeping.   
For his college, he would be moving to Tokyo. It was such a big place, a scary one for him. He had never been there. He had never even left his hometown in his entire life. He actually never wanted to leave at the beginning, most especially when his best friend Yuto was staying there for his college. However, he was offered a scholarship in a state university in Tokyo because of the performance he showed during the national competition in soccer and he wanted to turn down the offer because, at the first place, he never decided to leave. There were public universities in his hometown, too, but considering the offer, his parents could spend less for his college since it was a full-scholarship and an admission to the university’s soccer team. Therefore, as his departure was approaching, he was starting to feel excited but anxious at the same time because it would be the first time he would be away from his family, let alone living alone far from them. However, he knew it was the time he had to stand up on his own and grow up. He had to work hard because his parents were working hard for him as well. 

“I’ll be getting in now, mom.”  
His mother stared at him for a while before she smiled at him, nodding. “You take care of yourself there, okay?”  
“I will, mom.” He gave her a tight hug and a kissed on her forehead. “I’ll be fine there.”  
“Make sure to call us when something happens or if you need anything or if you just need someone to talk to. We are not together with you there, Yuri. It’s just you, so promise me you will take good care of yourself and will not do stupid things.”  
He chuckled, remembering how many times her mother told him that since he accepted the scholarship. He knew she was just so worried about him because it would also be the first for them without him. “Yes, mom. I will call as soon as I can when I get to my dorm, okay? You don’t have to worry so much about me anymore.”  
She nodded, her tears obviously forming in her eyes. She gave him a last hug and kissed him on his head. She held him on his right cheek and tapped it gently for few times before she looked at her husband next to her. “I’d be in the car,” she said, without looking at Chinen, and walked toward the exit.  
“You know how much your mother hates you to see her cry.”   
He nodded, still watching his mother leaving as his heart broke. It was also hard for him to leave, but he was doing that for his parents as well.  
His father tapped him on his shoulder before he embraced him. “You get inside now. Make sure to come home when you have your break, okay? And make sure not to miss Christmas and New Year with us. You take care, Yuri.”   
“I will, dad. Thank you.” He smiled at him and bid his goodbye. 

 

“For the mean time, you have the room all for yourself, but as the classes approach or in any day now, expect a roommate,” the landlady in the university’s dorm told him as she showed him his room.   
“Is it okay if I take the bed upstairs?”  
“Sure, you can.”  
“Great!” He grinned, getting very excited about how perfect his life would be to take the bed upstairs. He was friendly but he most of the time needed an alone time. He got drained so easily around people, so getting the bed upstairs was obviously much better. Much to his surprise, he was actually more thankful his dorm room was two-floored, so he did not have to worry about spending time together with his roommate in one floor. Being in the second floor kind of gave him the time he needed for himself alone. “Thank you, Mori-san.”  
“No problem. You can come down to the office if you need anything else or if you have questions.”  
“Sure.”  
“Oh yeah, before I forgot, come down to the office after you unpack and do your stuff and I will ask someone in the office to tour you around the dorm and the campus, so you will know the facilities here.”  
“S—sure. Thank you so much.”  
Mori then left the keys to him before she left. He took a deep sigh as he stood by the doorway, looking at his dorm room before him. Tokyo was such a great place and was not scary at all. They were surrounded by tall buildings and establishments and he actually got so overwhelmed by how populated the city was and the university was much bigger than the pictures he saw on the internet. He actually felt he would be lost there even if he would be toured around. His hometown was nothing compared to Tokyo. He actually had never seen a dorm or even a room as huge as his dorm.   
He went inside and excitedly went upstairs for his bed. The flight was tiring. He actually wanted to decline Mori’s invitation about touring him around and just wanted to sleep in until dinner, but he just did nothing but to agree.   
“Tokyo saikou ya na!” he shouted as he threw himself to his bed, swimming through the soft covers. He wanted to fall into his deep slumber, but he heard loud laughter of guys from the other room, leaving him no choice but to force himself out his bed to shower and change before he would be toured around. It seemed like time did not want him to sleep in yet. Too bad!  
After Akita, the student worker in Mori’s office who was kind enough to be the only one to volunteer to tour the newbie around, toured him around the dorm and the campus, he wanted to shower again and have a good sleep. He was about to get inside his room when Akita bid him goodbye, but a group of guys laughing caught his attention. He looked to his left and saw them turned left to the hallway, their backs facing him. He felt his heart skipped a beat as he found that one guy really familiar. He had a brown hair, wearing a sweatshirt and a pair of jogging pants. He felt like he had seen that familiar back before, but he thought to himself it was impossible. Tokyo was such a big place. It was actually impossible to meet someone he knew in just one day.   
He shook his head and went inside his room. 

 

Less than a month passed as fast as a blink of an eye and Chinen at the moment had no idea how to calm himself down.  
It was his first day in class. It was the day that would symbolize the start of another chapter in his life—the college life. It was the day where he would finally meet who and what would his classmates be. A lot of people had told him how different college was from high school. College was the time one could not just easily slack off and enjoy the luxuries of life. College was said to be so stressing, depressing, even. It kind of scared him, as a matter of fact. He even had to call his parents the morning of his first day as a university student just to get some motivation. He was told not to believe anything said to him unless he experienced them all by himself. Besides, it all depended on the person on how they perceived college life was for them and how they chose to experience it.  
Furthermore, the day was not just his first day in class. Much to his surprise, it was also his first day being in the soccer team. He had to attend the general assembly which will be followed by their first training. And that was another worry for him.   
But he was Chinen Yuri—the Chinen Yuri who could turn tables around, regardless his ambivert self. 

“I am on my break now, mom. The day was so far unexpectedly well. I had met friends already. Yes, yes, will surely call when needed. Okay, bye, mom.”  
“Your mom was sure worried,” his new found friend Yamato told him.  
“She was extremely worried.”  
“Who wouldn’t, right? With a son just as innocent-looking as you.”  
“Stop it, Yamato-kun. My face was a lie to who really I am.”  
They laughed.   
“So, wanna hangout after classes? Perhaps karaoke?” Iwajima invited.  
“I want to, but no thanks. I have soccer training after class.”  
“Right away?!”  
He nodded, sadly. He really wanted to go, but he had to stop himself. He had priorities. Besides, he would not be there and would not even have a full-scholarship not because of soccer. “Will surely come next time.”

He was more than thankful that his first day in class ended perfectly. He met even more friends from other classes because they did shifting in some courses he was enrolled in. He actually had seen the difference between high school and college. Back when he was high school, some of his teachers would require introductions from the students, but in college, they would not even care about doing that. Everyone was already familiar with each other even before their professor came in. Also, back when he was high school, the first week since the class started, they barely did something—mostly free times—but in college, the moment the professor came in, a module was asked to be distributed. Some of his professors had also asked some things to search on. If Chinen was the type of person who whined at things he did not expect, he would actually see college life a stressful one, but he was not. He liked studying. He liked doing researches. That was why even though he had quite a few things to do from his other courses, he was fine with it. He just wished he would have the same positivity until he was done.   
Being caught up in a conversation with a professor who also came from his hometown, he looked down to his wristwatch to be surprised he would be late in the general assembly if he would keep the chatting.   
“I really have to keep going now, sir. I still have training.”  
“It’s fine, Chinen-kun. See you around, then.”  
He nodded, grabbed his bag from his chair, and then ran his ass off. He was in a hurry not because he would have to run ten rounds and do fifty torturous push-ups if he was late. He was in a hurry because of a reason he did not know. Perhaps it was his attitude that it would look bad if he would be late in a training he actually never had before, let alone he was in a new school with a bunch of different people he would just meet. Or perhaps because soccer was already his life, ergo his passion.  
As he was running along the hallway, a sudden nostalgia hit him like how a truck hit a light post because he was stopped on his trance. He remembered when it was his first training back in high school and he could not be late because of Tanaka’s punishments. He did not know why he suddenly remembered it, but he kind of felt sad. How he wished there could be a miracle that he would be under Tanaka’s care again when he was in college, but that was impossible. Tanaka must be staying in that high school, especially that they won the national competition.  
Shaking his head because of a sudden short trip down to his memory lane, he was about to run his ass off again when he heard someone shouting he could not understand. It was too loud he barely understood a word.   
When he looked back, someone had already crashed into him that made them both fell on the ground. He felt he was being held on his back before they fell, but he could not deny he kind of hurt his back.   
“Shit,” he murmured as he opened his eyes. His eyes widened in an instant when he smelled a familiar scent on the person on top of him. “H-hey...” he coughed, his heart starting to pound on his chest as he tried to remember when the time he smelled the same scent was. “G-get off me. You’re heavy.”  
He heard the person groan. “I am terribly sorry for my careless—“ The person stopped when they lifted themselves, their arms on Chinen’s sides as their support, and their faces closed to one another. Their eyes widened as their jaws dropped on the floor. “Chi—“  
“Yamada...”  
The said Yamada immediately pulled himself up and helped Chinen up as well afterwards. “You’re here?!”  
Chinen’s eyes were wide enough to eat Yamada whole. He looked up at him and downward, realizing that he was also in his training attire. His hair was dyed brown. He also got better muscles compared to high school and his cheeks were much, much, much padded, perfectly according to his liking. He always wanted to touch Yamada’s cheeks. He wondered if he was able to do it, or he just forgot. Moreover, he was already certain that the familiar guy he saw at the dorm before was Yamada. Man, the world was indeed still small for the two of them to meet again at the same school.  
His heart was beating madly inside his chest like an animal caged for a long time craving and crying for escape, and when the animal escaped, it was terrible at first but it felt better than ever. He could feel the tears behind his eyes were doing so good building and building and building themselves when tearing up was the least thing he wanted to do at their finally reunion. It had been more than two years and he did not want to cry.  
Yamada grinned breathily while his eyes were in utter surprise. “God, Chii—it’s really you!” He embraced him tight, but he pulled away after few seconds, his hands holding on Chinen’s both shoulders. “There was one time I saw someone and thought it was you, but I said to myself it would be impossible and, look, here you really are. I didn’t know you’d be here. I mean, not that I have to know since we lost contact since I graduated, but—you already know what I mean.”  
Finally, Chinen gathered himself together as he cleared his throat secretly, pulling off a feigned ear-to-ear smile when his fast beating heart was unbearable. “I also had no idea you’re attending this school. This is crazy! I also saw someone and, and, and thought it was you!”  
“No, Chii! This is meant to be! I am so happy to see you again after what, two years?”  
He nodded. “I am happy to see you, too. This is so unexpected. Of all the popular universities here in Tokyo, we met at the same university.”  
“And ‘ya know what, we even met the same way we met back in high school! Do you still remember?”  
Chinen had to admit he felt himself flushed at the memory. That one fucking day was when his nightmare, but a good one, started. He met Yamada in high school the same way they met in college. Just the difference was there was never a Yamada-on-top-of-Chinen incident happened. He was just left to help himself because Yamada was in a rush. Indeed, how could he forget such perfect memory?  
“Of course! How could I forget such unlucky encounter that started the nightmare in my life?”  
“Yeah, indeed, I was a nightmare,” Yamada chuckled, feeling uncomfortable. “But I bet I was a good one, nevertheless.”  
He looked at him in awe. “Yamada Ryosuke, you don’t change a single tiny bit. You’re still as the arrogant Yamada Ryosuke I once knew!”  
“I say the same to you. You’re still getting so annoyed at me for teasing you and not even a tiny little bit did you change physically!”  
“Fuck you, Yamada Ryosuke! If teasing me is a job for you, you always take overtimes, and you must be really loaded now!”  
They laughed, but it died seconds after as comfortable silence wrapped them, just looking at each other’s eyes.   
Yamada cleared his throat while he scratched the back of his head—the view that made Chinen so weak and crazy before—as Chinen also immediately break off his gaze from him. “How about we have coffee so we can catch up? We sure do have a bunch to talk about, considering the fact we never had the chance to talk—”  
Chinen had to butt in because he knew what Yamada was about to say. Was he still not yet ready, even after two years? “Today is my first day in the team. I don’t want to ditch.”  
“You’re not ditching as long as you are with me, Chii. Besides, it’s just a general assembly to welcome the new members and just some game for fun. It is not that so serious, believe me. So, ‘ya coming?”  
Chinen rolled his eyes at him before he gave him a playful smirk, lifting his eyebrows alternately. “You are as bad influence as ever.”  
“Hey, I never was! Just admit you also wanted to come!” Yamada stuck a tongue out at him.


	7. Final Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chinen met the most arrogant, yet funniest senior teammate in the soccer team, Yamada. There starts their up and down friendship that might develop into something more exciting.

Just few minutes after at the café, both Yamada and Chinen were covered in silence. No one was talking as each was preoccupied by the meal in front of them. Chinen had to admit that the atmosphere at the moment was so awkward than when they bumped, crashed rather, into each other in the campus. Since their meal came, Yamada had not looked up at him. Chinen himself would steal glances once in a while. He knew what he got himself into. He knew that so much and he had wanted that to happen for two long years already. However, he had to admit that he was nervous and he actually did not know what to say to whatever where their conversation would lead to, if there would be any because Yamada was obviously so engrossed with his slice of strawberry avalanche shortcake that he could not afford to say a word or even look at him. He was not sure if he was really engrossed or was just trying to distract himself.  
A sudden ring from Yamada’s phone made the two of them jumped a little from their seats. They had been so quiet they did not anticipate an intruder.   
“I will—shit!” cursed Yamada when his knee accidentally hit the table.   
“You okay?”  
“Yeah. I’ll just answer this call outside. Excuse me.”  
Chinen nodded as he watched Yamada went out the café to answer the call. It must be important that was why he had to go out. Perhaps a conversation that he was not allowed to hear, or—  
His eyes widened as he immediately turn his head to where Yamada was standing. He felt something inside him broke as he watched him smiling so widely while he was talking over the phone when he just looked so uncomfortable with him earlier. Indeed, the call must be so important; nevertheless, he would not be smiling so beautifully like that. He had to watch him a little longer and had to turn his attention back to his meal when he saw Yamada put his phone away. He cleared his throat and tried his best to look composed again.   
“I am sorry ‘bout that. I just had to take it,” Yamada apologized as he sat back across Chinen.   
“It seemed so important, so don’t worry about it.”   
Yamada glanced up at him and smiled.   
He exhaled as he knew what he would ask was stupid, but he had to just to save himself from any danger, but perhaps not in heartbreak. “If I may just ask...” He looked at Yamada for signal if he could go on, and when Yamada looked at him in the eyes, he proceeded, “Will someone get mad to know you are with me? Like...you know...” He feigned a chuckle to look less nervous.  
“Like a lover?”  
He nodded. ‘Like Daiki.’  
“No, no. No one will get mad and even if there will be, I will still invite you out. Man, I haven’t seen and heard from you for two years. I think it will be worthy even if someone will get mad, but like I said, no one will get mad. I am single, if that’s what you want to know.”  
Chinen secretly took a sigh of relief as his clenched fists under the table loosened. He was safe from danger and perhaps from heartbreak. “I—uh—that’s good to know. I thought there is someone that’s why you had to go out.”  
Yamada laughed. “It was Keito.”  
His eyes widened slowly as his head tilted backwards and then forward for a nod. “I see. What did you talk about that made you go out?”  
He chuckled. “Stuff.”  
“Stuff,” he parroted, his boundary that he should not ask further. “How is he, by the way?”  
“He is doing well in his black tuxedo suit,” he jetted.  
“Ah, I see. Glad to hear that.” He smiled, forcing his eyes to smile, too. He knew Yamada was hiding something from him, but who was he to demand to know that, right? For his own information, they did not see each other for two years, let alone maintained their communication. So, that reunion seemed like a new start, like back to zero. He could not just become friendly again, considering the fact they had not really properly come to a truce.   
“How about you? Will someone get mad to know—“  
“No one,” he butted in immediately as he looked down to his almond torte. “I haven’t seen the need yet.”  
“Up until now?!” Yamada looked honestly surprised, cracking into a soft laughter. “I thought Ryutaro-kun had a thing on you before. I thought you both would end up together, knowing that you had feelings for him.”  
Chinen got choked by his iced tea. “No, Yamada!” He cried, wiping his mouth. “Yes, I liked him before, but I lost interest even before you met him. And he never liked me at the first place.”  
“I see.” He laughed a heartfelt one. “Well, I guess one-sided love does not really work.”  
Chinen stared at his face for facial expression, and he saw sadness as Yamada said what he said, especially the latter part. Yamada’s eyes fell on his strawberry shortcake and he feigned a smile but it was obviously a tight-lipped one. He wanted to know where the older was coming from. He was surely coming from somewhere to say that. And he could not understand why he wanted to know.  
Silence covered them and it was uncomfortable. Yamada was back to being preoccupied by his meal while Chinen could not take his eyes away from him. He looked from his brown hair, down to his forehead, to his thick eyebrows, to his eyes that had long lashes like a woman’s, to the bridge of his nose, to his padded cheeks he ever so wanted to touch, and to his thin natural red lips in which Yamada at the same time bit the bottom. Simply, he was admiring Yamada’s beauty. He was trying to see the changes from the last time he saw him and when they met again. Yamada obviously grew up. He honestly looked more mature and good-looking than he already was back in high school and luckily a little taller.  
“Chii!” Yamada snapped.   
Chinen immediately looked up at him, his cheeks crept a blush. Was he caught staring at him and studying his every facial feature?   
“Y-yes?”  
“I called you for the third time just now. You were away.”  
“I am sorry. I was just thinking of something.”  
Yamada nodded, but he did not let go of his stare at Chinen, and so was the younger lad. “You were right,” he started.   
Chinen leaned in. “Ha-hai?”  
“I said you were right. You were right about everything.”  
He pressed his lips as he played with his index fingers under the table to release tension. His heart that just found its calmness was getting wild again, pounding inside his chest mercilessly. He could feel his throat getting dried and tight. “I am afraid I don’t get what you’re talking—“  
Yamada cleared his throat, sniffed, and then put down the utensils he was holding. “I am sure you know what I am talking about. It may have been years, but I don’t think you’ll forget about it ‘cos I admit there was not a day I forgot about it.”  
Chinen did not say anything. He gulped as secretly as he could as he started to feel the heat his body was producing.   
“When I saw you after the graduation ceremony, I had so many things I wanted to tell you, things I said I wanted to take back, but I don’t know—it seemed like it was not yet the right time...”  
“That day, I also had tons to say, but I also thought the timing was not right.”  
‘Because of Daiki,’ added Chinen inside his head.   
“’Ya think us meeting now means it’s the right time?”  
Chinen shrugged as he made circles on his thigh. “It could be. But, honestly that day, I felt that everything was already okay. I always wanted to hear your side of things, but I realized it was fine for me for us to just leave things as they were.”  
“Was it?”  
Chinen was not sure if he would be honest with his answer, but he wondered if lying would do him good or not. Besides, even if he said he was already fine the way as things were, he knew to himself he craved for answers to his questions since two years ago.  
He breathed out the nervousness he was feeling, but he looked at Yamada with a small smile. “Barely.”  
He noticed Yamada breathed out as well as he looked down, a curved on his lips was obvious.   
“I thought when I told you what I wanted to tell you, though it was not everything, I would be able to let everything go. I thought distance would make me forget. It was hard at the beginning since you were one of the great things that happened to me, but as time passed by, I already got used to your absence. Just so you know you were a friend to me. I—I treasured you like how I treasure my best friend. Sometimes, I would even wonder if Yutti is really my best friend or if it were you because I honestly spent more time with you since we met. But like what I said, we can’t guarantee everything in this world, even our friends.” Chinen smiled a broken one as he could feel the tears forming behind his eyes, creating a lump in his throat, but he did not break his gaze with Yamada. “I tried my very best to get over everything. I decided to let go of a great friend even if I didn’t want to, but I saw it was for the better. And I was fine. I got myself busy having a part-time job during the break, so I could have money for myself once I leave to Tokyo. I met new friends. But like what I said, barely, because it came to me how important closure was. I thought you leaving would be a big help for me, but it was the other way around.”  
Yamada just stared at him, his eyes conveying sadness, as he leaned closer to the younger. He stared at him long enough for Chinen to be drowned. He chuckled breathily. “I was stupid—so, so stupid. Stupid and selfish. I lied to you and hurt you because I was only thinking of myself and my own happiness. You were right, I was so blinded. I only heard nothing but myself and Dai-chan. I ruined you. I ruined the best friendship ever given to me in my entire life. I ruined the person who accepted me in full package and yet never dared to give up despite knowing who I really was. I let go of someone who could only give me what really happiness was. I’d never been so happy in my life not after you came. Keito was right. I was so blinded and so stupid that I lost grasp of someone that mattered to me. And I am terribly sorry, up until now, of all the worst I’d done to you. And I could never thank you enough for trying so hard to open my eyes until the very end, until you just got tired of me.”  
Chinen laughed but a tear fell, in which he wiped immediately. “I wonder how long it took you to realize everything, Yamada. You were such a pain in the ass back then, even before the fight.”  
Yamada grinned, his eyes visibly shining with accumulating tears. “Not long enough. It was even before I graduated.” He paused when the latter look puzzled. “I found out everything after the competition and the send-off party. Dai-chan was always careless that he used to send me messages not really for me. He actually wasn’t able to come to the competition because of what he said some errand he had to work on. I texted him we didn’t make it, but not less than ten seconds since I sent it, I received a reply. Usually, he would send me long messages to cheer me up and stuff, but that one was different.”  
“So, you caught him right handed through a wrong message he sent to you?”  
Yamada nodded.  
‘How stupid. It was such a bad way to be found out!” Chinen had to mentally roll his eyes at that.  
“We were graduating that time, given that we would part ways after. His message was telling his boyfriend that he would stay away from me after graduation, and that he didn’t need to pretend anymore. He just had to stay with me up until the graduation because he knew my parents couldn’t make it, so he pitied me. On the side note, you were extraordinary to make my parents come.” He grinned at him in which Chinen returned.  
“But he was with you after the graduation, right?”  
“Not really. He just saw my parents and he was asked for a favour to call me.”  
Chinen nodded.  
“I didn’t confront him right away. It was him who realized his own stupidity for sending me a message about his dirty tactics I shouldn’t know at the first place. The next day, we talked about everything. He was even also sorry because he was so mean to you.”  
He just shrugged, with his face smiling smugly inside his head.   
“Of course, it hurt me like hell. It was like the wounds that have been healing were getting worst again because of what he did. But, honestly, I didn’t hold on to the pain so long which I found so surprising at first. I felt better after we talked, maybe because he didn’t have to lie to my face anymore just because he pitied me or he cared for me. It was surely also a baggage for him to keep pretending. Also after that, I realized who really mattered. Like what you said I was blinded, so I failed to see other people who cared for me for real and not just pitied me, people who’d stay with me not just because I needed it but because they wanted to. I actually wanted to talk to you about it that time after the graduation, but like we both thought it wasn’t the perfect timing.”  
Chinen nodded again. That was what he could only do aside from listening to everything Yamada was saying.   
Yamada looked down to his dessert as silence once again covered them. Chinen also ate some more of his dessert before the older talked again. “I—I wanted you to know that that time at the field, I never meant everything harsh I said to you.” He paused to look at the younger and when they were eye-to-eye again, he reached for Chinen’s hands for him to hold gently before he proceeded, “My life would be way different without you, and it really was. You were one of the greatest things that ever happened to me, and you know so well I didn’t have much—“ He stopped when the tears suddenly started gushing down to his face like a stream, his grip on Chinen’s hands were tightening. He however felt Chinen’s hands held his’ tighter as well. “But—but you alone were more than enough. I can’t say them properly in words, but I—I want you to know you gave me the happiness no one ever gave me. You really did. It was not in terms of funny jokes or happy adventures, but it was because you showed to me the real you. No pretentions. You were you even if we just met, even if I was so annoying to you that you even learned to curse and that is one of the things I really like about you. That’s why I want you to know that you mean a lot to me, you always do. Those things I said to you were just because I was stupid and blinded, and I really pray that you will still forgive me for that. I hurt you even if you didn’t deserve it and I am so, so, so sorry,” apologized Yamada as he looked downcast to hide his tears away even if it was no use anymore.  
Chinen smiled breathily as his eyes that were bore deeply on Yamada’s brown ones were crying. He felt his heart beating even wilder at the moment. The air was being sucked up from his lungs as he felt the lump in his throat growing bigger and bigger. He wanted to let go of the tears because they were hurting him. He wanted to let go of all the feelings he had been hiding for the past two years through a heavy downpour of his tears. At the moment, he wanted to be honest to himself. He wanted to stop pretending about what he was really feeling because he knew it was the only way for him to be even better. He had to admit to himself that Yamada being away never brought him better. Rather, he just missed him more and he just regretted all those chances he had to hear Yamada’s side of things in every day given to him. He thought so much of wanting to go back in time, and if he could, he would surely go back at that time when Yamada was trying to explain to him but he did not let him. He was also indeed stupid back then. He made things harder for himself, too.   
Up until at the present time, he would still wonder what was so special about Yamada that he could not bring himself to just forget about him and his feelings for him. Yamada ruined him and he found himself still in love with him at the end. Yamada was very good-looking, nearly perfect, that was a given already, but he was sure as hell he did not fall in love with his face first. And most especially he did not fall in love with him because he was broken because, as a matter of fact, he already had feelings for him even before he opened up himself to him, although he was still confused at that time because of his feelings for Ryutaro. Nevertheless, he actually did not know what he liked about Yamada because he was annoying as hell. In every day given to him since they met, not an ounce of annoyance survived from him. But as he thought of it, was it really necessary to know what made him or even anyone to like someone? Could it not just be because he liked him and no more whys and hows? Because he really did not know what made him love Yamada so much that it hurt.  
“Chii...” Yamada called.   
“Y-yes?”  
Yamada took a deep sigh as he placed their locked hands closer to him, Chinen adjusting from his seat and his face was a little bit closer. At the moment, he was and at the same time was not thankful for the small coffee tables.  
“Yama-chan...too close...”  
The older chuckled. “Is it making you uncomfortable? I just have to say something important and I want to make sure you hear every word clearly like a crystal.”  
Chinen blinked, but he did not say anything. He could feel the heat of his face increasing, like it would explode in no time. Man how much he wanted to run away so he could breathe normally again because that was what he wanted to do since the two of them were together.  
“Do you remember that one night when we had a conversation at the small park near your place?”  
He took a deep sigh secretly. He could slightly feel Yamada’s warm breath brushing his face.   
How could he not remember that night? That was the night Yamada cursed him in a gentle manner that he felt the fourth of July inside his chest. How could he really not remember, right?  
“Ye-yeah. What about it?”  
“I told you that I hoped the “someone” you told me who would fix and love me again would be you, right?”  
He gulped before he nodded.  
“I really meant it that night. And I still do until now. I really wanted it to be you because you always bring out the best in me despite of what I’ve been through in life. I have to admit to you that I liked how I imagined us being together before, and even up until now.”  
His eyes that were still shedding tears widen a little, his heart skipping a beat once again.   
“Chii...” Yamada softly called as his right hand let go of Chinen’s hand to caress his face. “I love you. I love you so much.”  
He sobbed heavily as he looked down, his tears falling harder and his face slightly leaning on Yamada’s hand. His chest was in Fourth of July once again, and no one could make that happen to him but Yamada. “Yama-chan...” He let go of Yamada’s hand as well as he held the hand that was on his face. Since he met Yamada earlier, he admitted he had been hoping those words to be told to him. And it happened.   
“If we’re going to think about it, Dai-chan was actually a blessing in disguise. Without him, I wouldn’t be able to realize what mattered to me and I wouldn’t be able to realize that I love you. Perhaps Dai-chan was a challenge that could make me realize who really mattered to me the most. I was blinded at first, but the important thing there was that I realized.”  
Chinen looked up at Yamada as the corners of his mouth curled up for a sweet small smile. He sniffed his tears and wiped his face with his both hands before he went back to hold Yamada’s hands once again, tighter. He did not know why he just wanted to look at Yamada’s eyes and show to him his love through his eyes, but he wondered if Yamada could see his love for him in his eyes.   
“Chii...” Yamada heaved a deep sigh. “I am not after an answer. All I wanted was to tell you how I feel for you and I swear I will not ask you to return my feelings be—“  
“But I already did. Before you even realize yours.”  
Yamada’s mouth hung a little low, unable to say anything.  
“What I also wanted you to know is that I feel the same. I love you, too, Yama-chan. Even if you don’t need my answer, I will still say it because I don’t want any chance to pass again without admitting to you my feelings. Yama-chan, I love you. I really love you so much that sometimes it hurt me.”  
“Even after what I did to you?”  
“Yes, even after what you did.” He smiled. “I just learned to love you more and more.”  
Yamada exhaled few times with a grin on his face. “Chii...” He looked at his eyes once again as he gently caressed the younger’s tiny face, pulling him even closer to him, if that was still possible. “You have no idea how happy I am right at this moment,” he whispered, the smile on his face was not faltering.   
“Yama-chan, I hope you forgive me as well for those times I hurt you—“  
“No, no, no, Chii. I understand. You’ve done and said those things because you cared for me. It just made it clearer for me that everything you’ve done to me, regardless if I got hurt or not, was because you didn’t want me to be hurt again. Chii, you’re such an amazing person. You are a blessing to me. You brought back to my life the living daylights that had been knocked down for so long. And God I don’t know what I will be if this day never happened. So thank you. Thank you for ever coming into my life because you brought me nothing but happiness.”  
Chinen was crying even harder that he was kind of worried if there were people looking at them since they were in a public place, but he did not care that much anymore. All that mattered at the moment was him and Yamada, and nothing else anymore. He really indeed knew what he brought himself into and he was thankful for that. He was thankful he decided to ditch training with Yamada because if he did otherwise and kept his pride, then that emotional and yet lovely moment would not happen. He just realized that sometimes we have to sacrifice the things we thought are so important because something better will come that is way more important.  
Yamada reached for Chinen’s face again and brought their faces two inches apart. Chinen’s lips were obviously trembling and his eyes and nose were so red due to crying, but Yamada just found Chinen even more adorable than he already was. “Will it be okay if I kiss you right now?”  
Chinen wondered if his heart could be able to take in more of Yamada’s sweetness doze because he had to admit he found breathing really hard at the moment. “The—there are other people who will see us.”  
“Do they care? If we kiss, would we even waste a second to care for what others might think?”  
He slowly looked up at Yamada. “I—I don’t know. I—I’ve never done this before.”  
Yamada chuckled softly as he gave Chinen’s cheek a light squeeze. “How about we try, so you will know?”  
“Do—do you really ask someone when you want to kiss them?”  
“Mr. Chinen Yuri, since this is our first official day, I have to.”  
Chinen pouted. “Are we together now? Like a couple? You haven’t really asked me if I wanted to be your boyfriend.”  
Yamada had to admit he had been losing patience because, with the proximity they had, Chinen’s lips had just become even more inviting, and it was a torture for him. He did not know if Chinen was just really innocent or he was intentionally teasing him. “Why, Chinen Yuri? If I ask you now, will you be saying no? And besides I told you I love you and you told me you love me, too, so wasn’t that a sign that we are already official?”  
“How would I kno—“ Chinen was already cut in by the impatient Yamada who already closed their gaps and landed his own soft lips onto Chinen’s inviting ones. It was short, lasted for five seconds, but it was however a deep peck on Chinen’s lips.   
When Yamada pulled apart, Chinen was still in state of shock, but he just beamed at him. “You have a lot of questions that can only be answerable by that kiss. So were your questions answered?”  
It took Chinen a while to bring himself back to his senses before he bit his bottom lip, tasting Yamada’s lips that were on his just a while ago. “I—I guess,” he mumbled before he looked around to see some people did not care about their kiss and one couple next to them who was just smiling at him. “Ca—can you give me another one? I think there were some questions left unanswered.”  
It was then Yamada’s turn to be surprised. “A while ago you were just asking me a lot of things and now you wanted another one? Now, now, Mr. Chinen Yuri. Do you think you can act all spoiled to me?  
Chinen pouted as he rolled his eyes at Yamada before he grabbed his training bag and stood up, ready to leave. However, Yamada followed in an instant and grabbed his arm, pulling him close for another kiss which was sweeter and longer.  
“Now, are all your questions answered?”  
“For today, yes. But I think I still have a lot to ask for the next days, for the next months, and even for the next years. I hope you’re ready to answer all of them.”  
“I’d be more than willing. Your questions are the only questions I can answer.”  
Chinen just had to roll his eyes at him before he grabbed Yamada’s hand and they left the café, hand-in-hand. “You know what, Yama-chan?”  
Yamada looked down at their intertwined hands before he looked up at Chinen with a beam on his face. “What?”  
“Fuck you.”  
Yamada chuckled as he held Chinen. “Fuck you more.”


End file.
